Poll: Worse - Brenda Walsh or Andrea Zuckerman

Worse- Brenda or Andrea, on all levels? 

Maybe a harder question than it appears, because we have unanimously decided Brenda-centric episodes are eye-stabbing, fuck fuck fuck, intolerable shit. 

So...

Patrick: End of the day who's worse? I'm gonna go with Brenda. Her personality is so grating, combined with her deformed head, and its close, if we were in Vegas this would be called a pick-em, but I gotta go Brenda.

Leonard: My brain is like Jello. I'm gonna have to go with Andrea, she's a fucking reptile. And with Brenda, if she's wearing sun glasses to hide that droopy eye of hers she's ok. I can look at her. Andrea is gross.

Bob: I'm gonna go with Brenda - her stumpy personality bores me on a level not even reconizable to common man. Andrea sucks, but she had 1 dream sequence - Brenda had 4. 

Episode 22. That was close.

Well, the Walsh family stays in Beverly and all is well in the world. Jim realized that making more money doesn't matter if the woman you have to come home to is gross.

Dylan/Brenda pregnancy scare already? Cliffhanger. I'm going to make a prediction here. They have the baby and feed it to that basement-ghoul Andrea.

That was a lot of episodes. I changed as a person going through all that. Was it worth it? Maybe. I think so.

1:14 am

We have completed the first season of 90210. Only 274 more to go. 

Andrea didn't have sex with Brandon. Brenda might be preggers. Steve stopped acting like a baby about Brandon moving when it came about that Brandon is not moving. Kelly is on the verge of being a mega-slut. Donna and David are seen dancing together, the magic begins. 

And Scott Scanlon slowly fades to black...

Episode 22. Just once for the record.

Maybe I've done the reader a disservice by not making this clear: Brenda is gross. Like literally disgusting. Let's forget her eyes being unlevel. Let's talk about her bad skin, round face, and carny teeth. This woman is the sort that you cross the street to avoid. Her vagina may bite.

Literally

Andrea asks Brandon to have sex with her. He reacts accordingly...

"I told her I'd have to think about it."

Episode 22. Moving back to the midwest.

Jim gets a promotion that requires the family to move back to that hicktown they crawled out of. The family votes to stay because they've tasted the apple and can't go back to ignorance. But Jim tells them to fuck themselves- they are moving.

Steve sort of ambles out of the closet this episode by revealing how hurt he is by Brandon leaving. Andrea sort of ambles out of her CHUD sewer hole and tries to fuck Brandon on some last-minute desperation shit.

Episode Twenty Two Synopsis

Steve gets his ass kicked by a freshman, who knocks out one of his eyes (the eyepatch is a good look for him). Mr. Walsh may take the entire family back to Minnesota and we already know that he can't. The show must go on. Or does it have to?

Maybe Mr. Walsh takes this new position at Accounting Corp or whatever and the six figure salary that comes with it. Then Brandon will never have to sleep with Andrea and have to vomit afterwards or listen to Brenda talking about fucking Dylan and vomiting afterwards; Brenda will never have to meet the other girls that Dylan has been fucking and cry about it; and Kelly will get to fuck Dylan; and Donna will finally be noticed by somebody; and without Brandon's stupid moral compass, Steve will become the total and complete dickhead that we want him to be. Maybe all of this will be over.


But of course Mr. Walsh sees how much his family wants to be in Beverly Hills and decides to give up that huge raise and stay. I love the Going away/ We're Staying party that Nat throws for them at the Peach Pit. Are you gonna cover that bill Mr. Walsh? you jerk. How many seasons are left? Ten or something? Fuck me. Fucking kill me. Fuck.

Season One Almost Done

I really am starting to hate myself..

FIIIIIIGGHHHHHHTTTTTTT

Steve gets in a fight about his washed up mom. "I don't like when they call her washed up."

Andrea tries to give herself to Brandon as a going away present, he doesn't even pick up on it.

Brenda hates Andrea SO much. It's great. 

I don't have much more to say. We are 21 1/2 episodes in...

Episode 21. Andrea thirsts for blood.

In what is probably the best dream-sequence of the series, Andrea works out her insecurities about being a dateless mutant in a Carrie-inspired fantasy. For some reason this motivates her to go to the dance no one invited her to, where Brandon gives her a sympathy sway.

Dylan finally fucks Brenda. It's an anticlimax and we don't see even suggested penetration but at least pandora's box has been opened and we can hope to see some pregnancy scares and STD's in the future.

Drunk Steve goes through a spectrum of emotions. Oh yeah, he's adopted. That shit is real.

Dear Brenda,

Sooooo.... I heard Dylan told you he loved you tonight. Totally cool. Just so you know, he pulls that out of the box whenever he thinks he isn't.. well, getting into that box. Hopefully you enjoy it, he's already told you, he's more into blondes. Aka.. He's into what you're not. Good luck.

Yours,

Kelly

Episode 21. Steve is gonna hit her!

FUCK I LOVE STEVE. HE'S DRUNK AGAIN! THE BEST! THE REAL STEVE EMERGES! THE WILDMAN COMES OUT OF HIS CAVE!

New Themes

Andrea decides to let it all hang out and just get fat. Any fans of the show know this happens, I bet they wrote that into the series. "Yeah, uh, Gabrielle, you need to gain some weight. We know you are annoying, and crappy, and frumpy... well we also think we want some fatty jokes to be thrown your way. Yes, this is really happening. Stop crying."

Also, Donna wears a silly dress. This will become a recurring theme for the first 4 seasons or so of the show, and even trails into the later years. Guh

Brenda throws down some bitch gauntlet by spiking hard on Kelly about the dress...

and then throws her vagina at Dylan when he tells her he loves her. Countdown till he leaves her for Kelly begins... NOW.

Episode 21. Watching your friend fuck your sister. Not a turn on.

Prom episode. Or "Spring Fling" episode I guess. A classic of the teen genre. This one should be steamy. We've got Dylan bringing Brenda to some bang motel and Steve resentfully hating on Brandon taking Kelly as his date. I need this to pay off. Please God, please. Just give me some satisfaction. I've watched almost 20 hours of this shit. Please, someone get fucked. Please something significant happen. Please. Now or never.

Prom Episode

Andrea goes fembot because she is insecure about wanting to go to the prom with Brandon. When is she going to take a hint - and by hint I mean that time about 6 episodes ago where Brandon straight up says "I'm glad we aren't physically attracted to each other AT ALL and can JUST BE friends forever. I'm talking NEVER NO CHANCE of hooking up EVER EVER." 

And by the way - remember that time you told Kelly how you think she is perfect? Well Kelly's trying to get on Brandon. How about that? 

Remember when you tried to knock boots with Steve?

You won't. 

You also can watch as Andrea's tiny black heart is shattered by Brandon and Kelly's hallway love.

Donna wears a floral print apparel at least 85% of the time. 

Episode Twenty One Synopsis

Prom Night. Brenda and Dylan; Brandon and Kelly; Steve and Donna? All I know is that none of these people will end up having sex (or will they?), especially Andrea who is sitting at home eating ice cream and farting on her couch. Brenda and Kelly show up in the same black and white dress and I am having a black and white nightmare, where my head is about explode.

Dylan gets a hotel room. Brenda hides. Steve gets drunk and tells Kelly that he was an orphan in hopes of a pity fuck. Kelly runs. Andrea falls asleep and has a dream, where she murders everybody at the dance (she looks pretty good with a chainsaw I'll have to admit). I blinked and I missed Brenda and Dylan screwing for the first time. And Brenda couldn't be more obvious if she were wearing an"I just got boned" sache across her shoulders.

David wows on the dance floor (and I mean wow! I haven't seen such awful white dancing at a Phish concert). Andrea shows up dressed like a librarian that is dressed up like Cinderella. Nobody cares, except for Brandon who just pities the fuck out of her. Boring. End.

The reason why Andrea looks so old

You are an eighth year senior. And you probably have some saggy boobies...

Episode 20. Brandon doesn't need a cup. He has a pussy.

I can't tell worth a goddamn what is happening here. Brandon doesn't like Steve's coaching, so he leaves the team and ends up assistant coaching for Nat's team. Nat coaches some corny Bad News Bears type of lovable loser team. Brandon has the job for a couple hours before he bounces back to his old team, now coached by his father. The two teams play each other. Then some Eight Men Out shit takes place where Brandon and the pitcher conspire to throw the game. The whole thing ends with Brenda's dog running across the field to the kid who couldn't catch the final out. This episode made less sense than any single episode of ALF or a rough acid trip.

Go Pitts!

The Dukes are a bunch of spoiled brats. Brandon is a traitor. What side are you on walsh?

WHAT SIDE ARE YOU ON.

Episode 20. Steve wears a large cup.

Brandon and Steve coach a little league team. Steve is on some George Steinbrenner shit and Brandon is on some Disney movie bullshit. Regrettably neither of them runs the team like Marge Schott, which I think would've been great for the show and little league baseball in general.

Brenda adopts a dog and fights with her annoying bitch of a father about keeping him.

This is a nothing episode. Everyone in it is raising his or her voice about shit that truly doesn't matter. Why is Brandon so intense about little kids playing baseball? I mean, really, who the fuck cares? And why is Jim being such a cocksucker? I know the show needs conflict, but let's not make the shit a cartoon.

Jim is douching around...

1. Hating on Brandon's little league team

2. Threw his back out trying to showboat in front of said little league team

3. Hating on a good floppy dog Brenda is courting

4. Yelling at Cindy

5. Most likely withholding sex from Cindy 

Episode Twenty Synopsis

It's baseball season and Mr. Walsh suffers some freak old man injury while coaching a youth baseball team. Brandon takes over with Steve as the assistant coach, looking real gay while wearing a tank top cut off shirt (the kids love him)

Brenda's mind has deteriorated to the point where she starts talking to dogs and convinces one of them to come home with her (and Donna too). She names the dog, Wally and he starts talking back her; telling her to do things; bad things; very taboo things (but nothing like she should sleep with her brother or anything). I'm losing it a bit too I think.

Brandon's baseball squad goes up against Peach Pit Nat's kids and slaughters them. To be fair, Nat's kids are poor (and ethnic)and therefore can't afford proper baseball equipment, like gloves and shit. Nat tries to get Brandon to come coach for his team, but Brandon says,"Fuck you Nat. I want to win." Brandon's team chokes (blame it on the fat kid) and Nat's team wins. But in the end we're all losers I think. End.

Playing a bizarre game of Inspector Gadget

Brandon reads some fan fiction and gets too excited. Andrea obviously encourages him because Brandon getting into sci-fi fan fiction is the only way she's gonna get to make with him.

Donna gets turned on during school so she can't take tests. Her brain overloads, like some sort of playskool calculator. 

Dylan is back in the lab, scheming up the designs for cybernetic life.

"I Know you're angry at your father, but killing him isn't the answer." 

- Brandon Walsh showing off what Jim done learned him.

Episode 19. Matthew Perry loves fast cars.

Ok, Donna is going through some shit and I ask everyone for their understanding during this hard time.

She did really shitty on her SAT's. 300 math, 300 verbal. She's concerned she'll be a loser. Unable to find a job. Destitute. Living in a motel. Sucking cocks for grocery money.

Well, she's right. She will be a loser. She will suck cocks. Listen, I got a 1050 on my SAT's and I've barely crawled above true poverty. So the way I see it, a 600 lands you in the baboon cage at the local zoo.

Everyone be supportive.

I'll be there for you...

Matthew Perry takes time out of his very busy pre-Friends career to guest star. This episode, particularly the Ryan Azarian (M Perry) subplot, feels like a lifetime movie, really similar feel. He wants to kill his dad, Brandon reads a screenplay that details this feeling, blah blah blah

the superior subplot here is Donna Martin being stupid, faking her way out of tests, and taking up smoking. This has been repeated, but this is one plot thread that should have been extended, not tied up. Every group has a smoker, and that could have been Donna. 

Episode Nineteen Synopsis

Brandon interviews a young socialite named Roger (played by Mathew Perry, who has even less charisma than those Friends days, but is more likeable somehow). Roger convinces Brandon to read his shitty screenplay, that turns out to be a map of a very disturbed mind with plans to kill his father, which is also just another really shitty screenplay.

SAT scores are in and the twins both got the same score (pyschic connection? or did theycheat? we'll never know). We also find out that Donna, who besides being ugly is also mentally handicapped. Bummer.

Brandon saves Mathew Perry from killing himself and we all wish he didnt. End.

Episode 19. Matthew Perry loves guns.

Guest appearance from Matthew Perry as Ryan Athenzin (or some shit). He's some sort of weird Beverly Hills survivalist / tennis semi-pro. Dude wears high-shorts but has a gun collection. Good writing, good casting.

"Steve Sanders' Man Cave" or "Appreciation Due"

We have now formally been introduced to Steve's bedroom and it's an amazing world. Few times has a man seemed as at ease with himself as Steve did in this scene with Andrea, who is swallowed whole by the power and machismo of the environment. She is over for the oft-used guise of a study date, which Steve saw through immediately. Steve obliges, acts aloof and disinterested (probably because he is) and agrees on an eight o'clock meet-up.

Andrea arrives in some non-frock and ditches the glasses - she's got a look going, and I'm mildly into her. Steve agrees, and when Andrea pulls a classic move (casual stretch, and take a lay-lay on the bed) he knows what has to get done. He wastes absolutely no time, gets to work and starts a light make out session. Andrea gets into it HARD and actually initiates further... when she trips out because she has been aroused for the first time, Steve doesn't even mind that she leaves. He lets her go do her thing - a dude like Steve isn't hard up for an inevitably awkward sexual experience. He revels in his victory of the chase, and why shouldn't he?

Another notch on the Steve Sander's belt.  

Brenda shows a lot of skin

and I'm not feelin' it. 

Jim Walsh on breast lumps:

"Maybe it's an ingrown hair."

Episode Eighteen Synopsis

Andrea and Brandon are freaking out about the SAT's, which according to Andrea are biased against poor people (NO! They are biased against you Andrea! Just you!). Brenda, Kelly, and Donna check themselves for breast cancer, and we get to see more of Kelly's alibaster skin than necessary. Oh and Brenda finds a lump.


Andrea is desperate and will do anything including sucking dick to get a copy of a SAT prep test. Steve Sanders obliges. Brandon and Brenda have a heart to heart over her boob and Dylan stops by to check on the tit.


Brenda finds out that the tumor on her breast is actually the 'real' her and the rest her body is actually the cancerous outgrowth. And besides that; all of this stupid Brenda drama distracts everyone into getting really crappy SAT scores, which is why later on they all end up at the same shitty state college.

Steve Sanders

Has white pubes.

Episode 18. Breast reduction.

The breast cancer/SAT episode. This is a very important episode.

Andrea is willing to sell her body for a SAT prep course and Brenda might have to get a mastectomy.

Cindy's bedside manner is among the worst I've ever seen. When Brenda is told she will need a biopsy, Cindy responds with "OH MY GOD!" I'd make my mom wait in the car if I had to deal with that shit.

Steve makes a move on Andrea in what was probably considered a really crazy move in the 90's. But with the benefit of hindsight, it makes total sense. Steve is a pure-bred pussy hound. He doesn't need to put time or energy into this sort of thing. He takes whatever falls into his lap. Andrea is laying in your bed memorizing SAT material? Why not? Go for it. 18-wheeler breaks down in front of your house and 200lb driver is willing to trade blowjob for use of your phone? Don't question it, man. Run with it.

Episode 17. Cindy is dressing to get fucked.

This is by far the strangest episode in the 9-0 canon thus far.

Brenda falls in love with a lesbian spoken word artist who lives on the set of Melrose Place and tries to leave high school as a result. Brenda's world is shaken when she learns that women who host coffee shop open-mic nights don't make a lot of money. It's a hard world, Brenda.

Brenda does some spoken word thing that I originally thought was comedy but upon reflection I think might've been slam poetry.

Brandon hands the student body election to some overweight nerd because the nerd is more "qualified." I won my class presidency by giving people cans of soda. It's not the Oval Office, dog.

An Analysis: Brenda as interpreted by Shannen Doherty

I do not believe that Brenda Walsh was intended to have the snark that she has grown to throw around without caution. Particularly, the early episodes portray a mixed up but generally upbeat teenage girl - but over the course of 16 episodes she has flipped. Shannen Doherty brings a certain level of spite and disgust that can only come naturally - as the leaves turned, it had to have become painfully obvious what the writers had to do.

Shannen Doherty had it in her to be the Michael Jordan of bitchiness - a true powerhouse of hate. The writers and most likely Aaron Spelling saw that the Brenda character was dull, and that the actress brought a shining star of prissy angst - and that this was the only way to spark a loser. So instead of Brenda being the hokey, naive, midwestern bumpkin that she had been intended, Shannen Doherty was granted access to the role she was destined to fulfill. Godzilla. Brenda turns on everyone, for anything, or nothing. She is tortured in the most superficial ways. Her interests are completely in line with everyone else in her peer set, yet she feels alone, isolated, jilted. 

The writers saw potential and unleashed it. Even in her heartwarming and tender dialogue, there is a level of contrite riffing underneath. Never has an actor or actress been able to deliver even the most vanilla "thanks" to her mother with an undertone that reeks of "fuck you" with such strength.This is an example of one of the strengths of 90210 - fumbling around with characters in an undetermined persona until it becomes clear the role in which it would best suit the person behind the character - Dylan as a tortured bad-ass; Steve as the jock ass: Brenda as the most horrible human imaginable. To this point, David and Donna are completely faceless - Kelly and Brandon to a lesser extent have yet to settle into their final set personality.  This is an almost incredibly organic method of story, and I have to believe this was part intention, part blind luck, and part seat-of-your-pants throw it to the wind and see what happens. 

Brenda flirts with a fat kid

Brenda talks with some fat kid named Michael who is "interested in her." 

Her skills are a joke, and she gets nailed to the wall by some wack coffee shop performance artists. Meanwhile, Brandon is in commercials set to the Hogan Family theme song. Kelly is throwing herself at Brandon and he isn't picking up on it... and he is blowing it. EW.

Brenda is on a psycho-bitch trot that will not stop from her on out. She chews out her best friend and her brother because she is the worst human being ever. 

Brandon cares enough that he sets up his political office in Brenda's room. I like that move, the Walsh Family should move on, just cut the limb to save the body. 

And back to Brenda... she is listening to some Melissa Etheridge wannabe music at her new pad. As was discussed in the HQ a few minutes ago, the rest of the cast is far more interesting than the two-head port-a-potty of personality that is the Walsh twins.  

Episode 17. Brandon Fitzgerald Kennedy

Brandon is running for class president. His staff of advisers includes Kelly and Andrea. Well-considered. Good team.

Strangest aspect of this episode- running for student body president turns women on. Girls this episode, including Kelly and Donna, are fawning over Brandon because he is RUNNING for student body. He's not even the president yet.

Listen, truth zone here, I was student body president at my high school. Shit didn't get me a boob-touch, forget women trying to fuck me. It just confirmed I was a fucking nerd and probably made women dry thinking of me.

Improv Night on 90210

Brenda feels outside the circle. Brandon reinforces this by deciding to run for class president. I wish there was a more outward extension of Brenda's love/hate/sensual relationship with her brother. 

Steve Sanders is strangely turned on by citrus and is on top of his game. His pep talk to Brandon essentially amounts to "stop being a pussy. cheat your way to the top, its the only way." 

Brenda sucks SO bad - she is on the fast track to surpassing Andrea in suckiness, primarily because she is featured so hard. They have decided over the course of the last two episodes that Brenda is a burgeoning comedian and not only is she quirky, but she is also SHARP and witty. This is more unbelievable than Dylan picking Brenda over Kelly. ugh

Episode Seventeen Synopsis

Brandon runs for class president so he can fuck Kelly, who has a fetish for 'men with power' (I guess being president of West Beverly High is like some iron fisted dictatorship). Andrea almost pokes out Brandon's eye with her stupid glasses when she butts in and becomes his campaign manager.

Brenda gets into the stand up comedy/beat poetry scene (those two do go hand in hand) and decides that she wants to drop out of school so that she can get out of Brandon's shadow (which has an awesome hairflip and yours doesn't Brenda.) She moves into some shanty apartment with a lesbian bartender and some loser stand up comedian (none of this is funny).

Brandon lets the whole president thing get to his head and hires Steve to be his personal advisor on pussy. But has a change of heart about the whole president thing and hands it over to some fat nerd, who wants it more (What? So that he can put it on his college application. lame.). Brenda finds out that if she wants to become bohemian, she might have to read a fucking book. This is fucking stupid. End.

Episode 17. Things are starting to heat up.

The characters are becoming well-defined now. David is really asserting himself as the "AV club dude." Brenda is emerging as a whiny sow who lives in the shadow of her brother who shouldn't even really have a shadow. Steve is, was, and always will be Steve. Donna talked a couple times. Kelly is the one that stays hard to pin down.

Why do we have to endure another episode with Brenda as a focal point? I can't even look at this creepy doll-headed nightmare anymore.

Fuck

Brenda

Brenda::Brandon // Troll::Elf King

Brandon is moving into his alpha dog state, and I dig it. He disses his family and friends, and totally owns Brenda over a much loved shirt. He is hanging with some dingy tv star named Lydia...

but at least he isn't Brenda. She is at a new low and is slowly slipping into the "IM CRAZY" stage of her character. Garbage dumps on Brenda.. or is it Brenda dumping on garbage. 

Slow dance make out scene born out of jealousy. Feelin' it. 

Episode 16.

Holy shit. I can barely focus my eyes here. My ears are ringing.

Brenda takes Brandon's job at the Peach Pit but after two hard days she loses her mind and dresses and acts like a diner waitress from Grease 2. It makes zero sense and my head is spinning around the idea that someone was paid to write this.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change...

Episode 16. You've got a good look, Brandon.

A real look inside the Hollywood machine here. Feel like I'm learning something. Brandon is really exposing the dark underbelly of the glitz and glamor.

Oh yeah, his leading lady, who is supposed to be his age, looks 38.

Episode Sixteen Synoipsis

Brandon is rollerblading and catches the eye of a casting director for some shitty t.v. show (not unlike this one). He lands a part as a homo thug (in a flourescent tank top) opposite Lydia Leads, a pig nosed, B-movie smut goddess.


Brenda tries to hide her jealousy behind a bag of Cheetos (that ass is getting BIG!!) and takes over Brandon's job at the Peach Pit for the free french fries. Brandon goes 'Hollywood' and becomes a giant cokehead dick, wearing the green shirt that he promised Brenda she could wear (which makes him a pretty big cokehead dick I guess).


Brenda loses her mind and develops a schizoid personality, becoming a roadhouse diner waitress named Laverne (Customers seem to prefer the stereotypical gum snapping persona over her original drab, bitchy one, as they all decide to dress up like they are in Grease and dance on tables. Hmm.) Fuck. End.

Episode 16. Hollywood Brandon

Brandon does some extra work dressed as a pirate on some TV show. Starts a romance with the leading lady. I am sick to death of this dude getting all the breaks. I'm like Brenda and her mother because I'm hating hard here. Fuck this dude. He gets these great opportunities and blows them by not finishing the deal with these girls.

I bet money he doesn't get passed second base with the love interest in this episode. Fucking nerd.

Episode 15. No hope. Fuck this.

Dylan goes to bed with dry, cold balls. This fucking sucks.

Chameleon

David Silver just lost a ton of points in my book. He just intentionally hurt his grandparents feelings - I couldn't even hurt a random old person's feelings if they were pissing on my leg. 

Tuesday telling you she misses her boyfriend, and that you almost look like him, but that he's better looking and taller... welcome to your penance dawg. Don't sweat it, just go listen to your gramps talk about fucking in front of all your new "friends."

Episode 15. Steve fucks The Crow.

This is a near-perfect episode. It's got swinger grandparents lurking on young people, goth chicks trolling for Izod-dressed cock, and Dylan possibly getting vagina.

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PAY OFF. DON'T LET ME DOWN. STEVE YOU BETTER FUCK ONE OF THESE MALL GOTHS, PARTNER, OR WE'RE DONE. I WILL CUT YOU RIGHT OFF, MAN.

This townie girl is my favorite love interest on the show. She's sort of gross, but a convincing girl-looking-to-get-out-of-this-one-horse-town. Like if Britney Murphy in that Eminem movie was dumpy and wore jean shorts above her bellybutton.

Almost having sex is terrible

Dylan travels solo, gets his own hotel room. Baller.

David's grandparents are embarrassing, make out. gross old people.  cow print robe. Donna reps floral print. 

Brenda might boink the bellboy for a spot to stay. Instead she will stay in the broom closet of the motel she shows up to.

Macauley Culkin's crappy younger brother annoys Brandon, Andrea comes and up stages the kid by being annoying AND pretentious.

Janie is cool and stays with Dylan, Dylan then proceeds to drop so much real talk on Brenda. She can't hang. 

Brenda fumes then goes back to the room, kicks Janie out, and proceeds to lose her virginity to Dylan. Moral of the story - Dylan McKay can and will sleep with whoever comes his way. 

EDIT: Dylan turns down Brenda, oh snap. She's sour as hell about it too. 

Episode 15. David becomes a man.

David is about to get trim from a skanky local in Palm Springs. I realize the 90's were a backwards and conservative time for America, but can we please get sex? Please get some sex here? Please. Anything. I just want to see one of these long-suffering dudes get ANYTHING. Please. I would settle for an HJ, I'm not asking for the world here .

If this townie breaks David off some strange, he wins. Dylan can't get pussy to save his life and Brandon hit it with his psycho ex ONCE.

Desert Love

I'm going to be frank - I don't understand the rejection of David Silver. Ok, he's a year younger, and he is trying too hard. But he's obviously a good guy, constantly helping out Steve, and in general being a good guy. So maybe he was creeping outside that slumber party, and yeah he likes to film Kelly Taylor at every turn. But I think he deserves more than a brush off from the likes of Brenda and Donna. I saw the looks they shot him - totally rude, and I don't mean that in a Brenda way. 

Steve is repping a Raiders outfit, silver and black all over. Figures. 

Oh Donna

Get back in the car. You are disgusting..

Episode Fifteen Synopsis

Dylan tries to get a taste of that Brenda pudding (I'm not sure what flavor it would be. Vanilla? No. Sour milk. Probably.). Brandon is stuck working at the Peach Pit, hitting on some orphaned little boy (avoiding another Andrea C-block), while the rest of the gang heads to Palm Springs to attend a Biker Fest.

Brenda tries to rendezvous with Dylan at some seedy motel, but is too much of a prude and ends up sleeping on a cot in the broom closet. David invites the rest of the crew to his parents sweet pad and they walk in on his grandparents fucking in the grotto/hottub. David and Steve invite over some leather girls for some digusting leather old people orgy (which is only disgusting because Donna is involved)

Brenda catches Dylan with another girl and Dylan says, "You snooze. You lose." David almost gets laid by some skank in jean shorts (sans jean shorts she is the hottest girl to ever appear on this show) Steve tans his scalp by the pool (by having Kelly stand in front of him as a human sun reflector)

Brenda makes up with Dylan, when she realizes that he's the only dude her age that can do a mean John Wayne impression, which is alot better than having sex obviously. End.

POLL

Is 90210 hitting it's stride or hitting the wall?

Patrick: Tough to say, remember these episodes more visibly than others, but they suck real bad. For their target market, they were hitting their stride, for anyone over 17, this shit sucks.

Leonard: The wall. Hard. I think I broke my nose on the wall. 

Bob: Though classic, these episodes have been painful. My brain is oozing out my ear and it won't stop. I am starting to dislike everyone on the show wholesale. 

Episode 15. The blueballs episode.

Dylan's response to Brenda's apprehension over getting fucked:

"Don't be sorry, be friendly."

Racist Episode

This is so hard to watch. I can't even really talk about this so much... I am more attracted to Carla than any other girl so far in the series. 

guh. At least Brenda tried to create some early 90's negative as a positive slang...

"These clothes are so RUDE - I love them"

Episode 14. A funhouse mirror of Mexican pain.

What the fuck is happening here? What is Carla's secret?! This shit is like Hitchcock over here.

Also, when the fuck did Brandon join the fight for Mexican American rights?

Ok, they just talked about some gang member named Sleepy Solomone...

Did someone dose my pajama bottoms? Am I tripping balls? What the fuck is going on?

Episode 14. Frijoles.

So we've got a sort of Andrea redux here. This new girl, Carla, is like a hotter version of Andrea in the respect that she lives out of district and has a wicked big chip on her shoulder about it. On the plus side she looks about 30x better than Andrea which puts her in the normal range of human attractiveness. On the negative end of things, she has a bigger chip about living out of district. Everything comes down to "maybe you'd like me better if my hair wasn't wavy and I didn't eat beans!" or something similarly as racist. I should mention that- this episode is racist as hell. I'm not quick to make those sort of accusations, but fuck. The nuance here is constant and decidely racial.

Dylan cameo! Holy shit. Where you been, man?

Brandon goes to East L.A.

and they play ethnic music.

W

O

W

I could not afford to live in East LA. Carla gives Brandon a real good hassle, the back and forth judging might mean that Brando finally met his match. 

Brandon: "Wait, who are you talking about, Manuel and Pepe?"

Episode Fourteen Synopsis

Brandon starts an awkward relationship with the mexican teenage second cousin of his Mother's maid, Carla (umm she speaks spanish). Anyway they both slum it around East L.A. , riding around in an El Camino, eating beans and rice and avoiding Andrea, who is poorly disguised as a little boy selling chiclets and this dude who looks like a young Paul Rodriguez (actually he doesn't really look like him at all. I was just being racist, just like this episode)


Brandon gets offended when his parents hire Carla to be their Mexican server of Mexican food for their Mexican fiesta and Brandon dons the alter-ego El Brando (whose special power is to be offended for other people who actually are Mexican) and spoils the whole boring party. Brenda chills him out by bribing him with an armful of never before released Jam shorts.


It turns out Carla is part of the witness protection program and that she isn't even Mexican and Brandon realizes that he was wasting time pitying someone who doesn't even have a 'real' disability. End.

Episode 14. Gang problem

The Walsh family, who were probably klan members until two episodes ago, suddenly become advocates for the rights of Mexican Americans. They agree to allow a gifted young Hispanic woman use their address as her place of residence so she can attend West Beverly High. Perfectly in character for these people who were emotionally abusing their Mexican house maid.

I'm waiting for Cindy to throw hot coffee in this girl's face for washing her blouse on permanent press instead of delicate.

I'm missing you like candy

And by candy I mean diet pills. 

Kelly's jerk friend Amanda is addicted to diet pills, but at least by the end of the episode Plumpy McGettinLargeAgain is back on the chocolate covered cookie train. 

I feel as though this episode portrays every relevant female stereotype. Kudos Beverly Hills 90210, way to put those out there to your highly malleable pre-teen and teenage audience. 

At least this episode wasn't boring, but the heaviness was a drain. Where's the oversexualized teenage lifestyle I come to a BH90210 dvd for?

The car thief girls...

should have been regulars on the series. It would have taken an interesting turn had they incorporated these two (one who looks like a hotter kelly, and one who looks like a cholo chick) into the cast at large. There could have been a MUCH better dynamic for everyone, and they could have easily phased out Brenda and Andrea faster. 

These girls convince Steve to pay for a speeding ticket, obviously. Cmon Steve. Really?

Episode 13. How outrageous.

This weird, hostile cunt invades the Walsh home and puts everyone on blast. She calls Kelly out on her rape, makes Andrea confess she's a virgin, and pressures Brenda to admit she stole her redneck friend's boyfriend. This leads to some crazy confession on Kelly's part about trying to bone Dylan. Shit goes wild. Donna has more than a line of dialog. Andrea gets real huffy and tells the room that she came to make good friends and was hurt over their gossipy ways. Scott and David masturbate each other while they stare in the house.

It Gets Real.

This is the first of the classic moments in the series. The infamous "slumber party gets too heavy" episode - Kelly reveals her first sexual experience is when she is pressured into having sex with a guy she liked, but obviously wasn't ready for it. I take this stuff too serious to make any real jokes about this part - but the part about AUNDREEA is good. On point. The girl who is the prognosticator of the game is the realest character. She is SO mean. 

They finally pull out the "we know you want Brandon" card. Kelly, after her pretty emotional story, goes out and throws down a whole lot of spite on her too. 

"Get a life Andrea, the whole school knows. Not like they care." 

Episode 13. Oija board, oija board.

The thirteenth episode gets pretty spooooky. An ouija board is utilized by Andrea to speak to the dead grandmother she borrowed her outfit from.

David and Scott stand outside the Walsh home taking photos of the slumber party inside. Where I'm from this is called peeping, possibly stalking.

Before Steve and Brandon can double-up on the club girls, they steal Steve's car. Steve isn't used to being played like a little bitch, that's Brandon's world, so he's understandably taken aback when he's scammed. He cries. Alright, Steve cries. I don't judge him for that shit. It's just a little cry and he will rebound into being his cool-as-shit self next episode. Maybe by the end of this episode. I fucking love Steve. Everybody hurts. Sometimes.

Yuckerman, Pieface, Fishface, and Hot Kelly

Kelly is choosing to stay at the "Completely 7th grade" slumber party over a USC frat party. As mentioned by others, there's some Sci-Fi feel to some of these decisions. 

Andrea pulls out her kaballah magic voodoo game, a ouija board. I like fake-ass wizard enchantress Andrea even less than I like bossy editor school dork Andrea.

"Let's contact my grandma"

People I wish they were trying to contact via ouija

- Len Bias

- Scott Scanlon

- Julius Caesar

"This is too powerful"  ANDREA I HATE YOU

Andrea is jealous of everybody

And she should be..

You Invited Andrea?

Donna is wearing overall shorts.

Andrea got invited to the slumber party. 

David and Scott are creeping. 

back to normal - especially after the last episode where there was no Dylan, David, Andrea, or.. Scott Scanlon. 

Episode Thirteen Synopsis

David overhears Brenda, Kelly and, Donna talking about a slumber party (Oh man. I am hiding a boner right now). For some reason they invite Andrea, who comes dressed in a naughty old lady's nightgown (inspired by Little Women).

Brandon and Steve try to get into some club, but will have to wait for season 2 before they are cool enough to get in. Instead they pick up a couple of teenage runaways, hoping that they will blow them for cigarette money.

Kelly brings this awful, stuck up, sociopathic girl, Amanda to Brenda's party (she literally looks like she is smelling her own farts), who pressures Kelly into telling everyone her 'famous' rape story. They catch David jerking off to Brenda in her long t-shirt. Steve gets his car stolen and cries like a little bitch. Back at the slumber party everyone else is crying too, Brenda, and even Andrea, who admits her crush on Brandon (and the fact that she has a plaster cast of his penis), all except for Donna, who is a emotionless husk.

Brandon crashes the whole affair and runs away after realizing that Andrea's nightgown is actually see through. End.

Episode 13. Let's kick this off right.

After the heavy subject matter of last episode, the teen-movie cliches of this episode are a welcome change. Some great slumber-party moments here. Cindy Walsh dancing around the living room with her daughter and friends; Brandon and Steve trying to get into a niteclub at 17; David and Scott fantasizing about the wackest slumber party ever; this episode has it all. Love this shit. No teen mothers here.

Brandon and Steve pick up some real floozies from the club. They are on their way to a playground to ragdoll these club-rats. Please, 9-0, please don't let me down here. I want real sex. Teen sex. Give me something to sink my teeth into here.

Episode 12. Final reactions.

Having a baby sucks and robs you of all your dreams until you become sufficiently deluded to believe that having a baby is an achievement in-and-of-itself.

When my common-law wife starts sweating me on the kid thing, I'll play this episode for her and set her straight on this shit.

LETS HAVE A FAMILY DAY LIKE WE USED TO

Brandon in robe with newspaper, Brenda in the bathroom in mom jeans. The visual of two people pretending to be teenagers dressed as mid-30's 'I've given up on life'rs has to be noted.  

High waisted jeans are terrible. The fact that this has supposedly come back in vogue with women is hard to believe, and if they would just play these episodes of 9-oh at wherever girls buy jeans or pants it would bring that trend to a screeching halt.

Brenda and Kelly have a fight and fall out of a plane. What a sub-plot. 

Melissa (TeenMom) tries to get down Brandon's pants in a car. Brandon doesn't go for it, he was too busy judging her to be attracted to her in a physical way. It's almost as if he just enjoys being around here to look down on her. 

This girl has baggage that could fill a charter jet.  We will never see her again, though I did enjoy her complete and utter back and forth on "I can't be without this baby // I want to give this thing up, ugh." 

Episode 12. Kelly really lets her inner skank run wild here.

Little bit of a cat-fight between Kelly and Brenda over this corndick skydiving instructor. He's got some real Zach Morris hair thing happening here, so I can't blame the girls for getting hot on him.

This baby lady gets real stank on Brandon, despite leaving him with the baby all day. What a selfish bitch. Sorry this 17 year old dude you left with your infant with didn't know the in-and-outs of fatherhood and fed your kid some ice cream. You're lucky he didn't shake the fucking thing.

Well, here we go. Now we understand why this girl is pregnant. She tries to fuck this square Brandon at a rest-stop and he cockblocks himself by mentioning the baby. Good work, man. Next you should post the results of your STD test in the school newspaper. You know how to get that ass.

Education, Sex and Otherwise

Steve Sanders on a baby: "What's IT doing here? We're supposed to be watching a Lakers game."

Beverly Hills 90210 is at some weird crossroads. They are teaching necessary life lessons but in a way that the average teen can relate. For example, teen pregnancy isn't a good scene, and they (read: parents, educators, people who hate fun) also used this as an idea to deter teen sex (aka if you're 16 and still a virgin you are outside the norm, dawg). 9-oh uses a different road to get to the same destination. Teen pregnancy / parenthood TOTALLY sucks. Why? It's annoying! Babies are loud, they get in the way, and you have to spend time with them. They are a responsibility, like a crummy job BUT YOU DON'T EVEN GET PAID. So totally use condoms or don't have sex or whatever. If you have a baby, it will hurt your chances to get a date, you won't be invited to parties, and your friends will think you suck. 

INCONSISTENCIES

Melissa (special ed harvard applicant, teenage mom, likes to sit under trees at lunch)  has a baby. 

Steve Sanders comments "she was dating  ______ who was also a senior and bada bing bada boom... " 

How long is the senior year at beverly high? I GOT YOU 90210 WRITERS

Kelly is flirting with the sky dive instructor already.  She is wearing a denim outfit (probably borrowed from brenda) - she eyefucks his brains out and at one point stares directly at his genitalia for too long. NC-17

I didn't know...

1. special ed kids apply to harvard

2. Brandon doesn't know how to talk on the phone

3. Brenda is so good at winning radio call-in contests

4. 90210 tackled teen parents so early in the series

One thing you didn't know about Brandon ..

He eats babies.

Episode 12. Brandon uses his MILFhunter.com account for romance, not masturbation.

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Episode Twelve Synopsis

Brandon asks out some girl dressed like a nun, who is trying to get into some bigtime prestigious convent (Vassar College) and a hiding a dark secret (a penis). Brenda and Kelly prank call some lame 'wolfman' radio DJ, trying to get MC Hammer tickets (Oh. Were they listening to MC hammer? I cant follow this.)

Brandon takes what seems like a decade to figure out that nun girl is hiding a child, falling for the "he's my kid brother" excuse (the father of the kid left due to boredom, probably). She ditches the awful mongoloidal C.H.U.D. baby with Brandon (and he and Steve bring it out into the middle of woods where they sit around poking at it with it a stick).

Brenda and Kelly decide to stop palling around in bed together and snickering, to take some sky diving lessons (I cant believe this a sublot). Brenda's fear of jumping out of a plane induces some strange WWII flashback and she totally freaks out and pushes Kelly out the hatch before she can get her parachute on. Brenda jumps out of the plane like she is Keanu Reeves in Point Break and grabs Kelly right before she face plants into a mountain, (also saving her from yet another over priced nose job procedure). End.

Episode 12. Initial Thoughts

The stalking episode. Brandon becomes uncomfortably fixated on a woman who isn't his sister. Brenda must be pissed.

A brief reprieve

Hardest part of doing the 11 hours we put in?

PK - watching this on a television that reminds me I'm in Albany on a shitty tube television in 2008

PL - marcus the dog all up in my business, my contacts drying up halfway

RS - being uncomfortable, having to GIVE THOUGHT to 90210

Worst character besides Andrea?

PK - Cindy

PL - If Andrea had a daughter

RS - Old Jackie, not the alkie, the ugly one

How drunk would you have to be to KISS (no more, no less) Andrea?

PK - shithammered

PL - through a case of keystone lite, maybe two

RS - drinking cocaine

You can't handle THIS brandon walsh

Brandon is drunk and hilarious, as he slips the Zuck some tongue - she claims to have attended an "excellent" play - psh yeah right, what are you, a THOUSAND YEARS OLD? Drunk driving seems pretty glamorous and BOOM - Brandon t-bones some truck. 

What's less fun than drunk driving? How about a little wife swapping in palms springs! Jim seems into it but Cindy shoots it down. So far this episode has had frisky parents, drunk sex with Kelly and Steve, Brandon gets drunk for the first time, Brenda looks disgusting, aforementioned failed wife swap, (sober) Kelly shuts down Steve, Brandon gets drunk again and goes for the true joyride, house is trashed,  Jim and Cindy are disappointed. 

Have they ever thought that they are just terrible parents? The blame finger is pushed in everyone's face except their own, and this is the 3020495847 example so far. 

Also, why are they so surprised Brandon has decided drinking is cool? He is an American male age 14+ . So he got bummed the first time he got trashed and said drinking is wack, and now that he can get some tail and unwind from kicking back a drink you think he's NOT going to? cmonnnnnnn

ps 2/3 grown men doing this don't drink so take that American value systems

Episode. 11. DWI

Brandon! I knew you had it in you! Way to cut loose and wrap your car around a tree! You finally know what it is to be a man!

Dylan wears...

Dylan wears a mock turtleneck sparkle sweater. 

This must be what it felt like when God died.

Brenda tries to out ugly him, and WINS. 

TXT TO STEVE SANDERS

OMG We fukk like once and a half and u wont leave me alone. PLZ go away! 

XoXo ;-P Kelly 

Episode 11. A mixed bag.

So this is an episode about underage drinking which you'd think would be awesome, but there is this really low, pathetic side story featuring that that bloated tick Jim and his wizened crone Cindy. Fuck I hate old people. Take me to high school parties, Beverly Hills 90210. Don't take me to firefighter bars in Jersey City.

Captain Jack will get you high tonight

Strong start to our late nate viewing... Steve peer pressuring Brandon to drink fruity drinks he's spinning. Kelly says "my mother drinks, I sip" -- because alcoholism isn't a hereditary thing at all.

Steve spiked Brandon's drink. *Male rape scene ensues*, no really Brandon caves into Steve's pushing and becomes the violent prick he barely keeps hidden under the surface. 

Steve and Kelly get down, Brenda and Brandon eye each other (it's not even weird at this point)...

Episode Eleven Synopsis

Brandon snubs Steve's bartending skills. Steve retaliates by spiking his mango margarita (a pretty creepy thing to do) as to distract him so that he can take Kelly upstairs. Brandon gets one taste of the booze and decides that he wants to party, but doesn't know how.

The parents go out of town on some swingers getaway (for real), which means house party! Brandon invites Andrea for some reason (hoping for a drunken blowjob in a very dark room maybe). Brenda decides to look her worst. Steve shows up with a kool-aid pitcher of rum punch, and walks around harrassing everyone, accusing them of being killjoys. Everyone at the party seems to be dancing in place, until David shows up and things get crazy (the dancing I mean).

Brandon gets wasted, decides to drive, wrecks his car and ends up in the hospital, with some weird bruises on his face. And somehow we find out that Dillon is a member of M.A.D.D. . End.

Love letter to Brenda

I don't care if one of your eyes is two inches higher than the other. You're beautiful to me

ROOM POLL

WORST MOMENT SO FAR:

PK - Old people scandal episode was depressing as shit.

PL - Brandon in that stupid Frenchie hat.

RS - Andrea trying to get on Brandon in 2/3 episodes. Or any of Brenda's outfits

Episode 11. Boozehound Brandon.

I've got a feeling his is the message episode about getting wild while drunk. Either Brandon drinks and becomes a rapist or crashes his car, either way, it's going to be exciting as hell. We're only three minutes into this episode and I am already giving it a preemptive "best episode of the season."

Romance rears its head...

Brenda and Dylan are having the "Im a virgin / Yeaaaaaa, I'm not" talk, and Brenda is impressed with the fact that Dylan will have an AIDS test to have sex with her. -SWOON- Brenda is awfully frazzled for a girl who barely has made out with this dude, and in her first episode ended up at the house of some 25 year old yo-pro. 

McKay Moment #3405669569-  After some heavy petting sesh at the Walsh house, Dylan is met with Jim coming home early from work, which he narrowly sneaks out on (he could have/should have just snuck that jealous toolbox Jim). THEN, Dylan goes back, and Cindy welcomes him with open arms.  P. I. M. P.

Episode 10. Haters like Jim Walsh.

Yo, Jim. What's it like to be insecure about the amount of money you make? What's it like to resent someone half your age for having more paper than you? You spineless fart. You aren't fit to hold Dylan's cock while he drunkenly pees on your daughter. You are a straight-up player hater. Go fuck your old, dry, wife.

Pschological effects...

So we are officially at about hour nine, we are starting to get a bit testy about our preferences - Dylan vs. Steve, Brenda being gross (it's just the truth at this point in her life)... we've got some interesting brain waves going and I'd love to get some scientists here. 

Brenda just got stood up and acted like a plane just crashed into her house. She needs to take a xanax and chill the fuck out. 

AND IN STEVE NEWS.... Steve Sanders is sort of making creep moves on this bald health class teacher. It's a new wrinkle in his character, but the ends from this means are him picking up some older woman. Steve is rocking his BK Swiss gear, unapologetically. I don't hate you Steve, I respect your game. 

Episode 10. Dylan doesn't let people in.

What a corny douche this dude is. Fuck. I thought he was "ok" up to this point. Nowhere near as cool as Steve but not the irredeemable geek that is Brandon. Now I'm over him. Dylan is a Nerf ball with eyes. A jelly sandwich of a dude.

This is the sort of dude who tells women he's "damaged" just to get that sympathy pussy. No man here.

Episode 10. Domestic abuse.

Holy shit. Mr. Cool-guy, Dylan McCay is really showing his bitch colors tonight. He bugs out and throws a potted plant on his first date with Brenda.

Good look Brenda. Stay with him. Dudes who display psycho tendencies on day one usually make great long-term boyfriends. I like the way you think. Maybe next time he'll throw a newborn against the ground.

Jim Walsh on...

Dylan McKay.

"In my experience, the apple doesn't fall far from the tree." 

(after being really disgusted by the fact that dylan's dad is a winner who made some money unapologetically in his day. SORRY JIM YOU LOSER)

Jim's daughter aka Brenda dresses like a 65 year old woman...

Now Dylan is crying in a post "D.V. lash out" rage... ew.

Episode 10. Engine work.

Dylan and Brandon are taking what they learned in that robotics class and work on Brandon's old shitbox car. However, based on how dirty they are I think they went spelunking in a cave made of homeless dudes' shit beforehand. Good work, costume and makeup.

Episode Ten Synopsis

Dylan eyefucks Brenda right in front of her father. Dylan takes Brenda on a date with her brother to the movies, dressed like Corey Haim in License To Drive. Dillon shows Brenda the full spectrum of his emotions; anger, sexual coyness, and at one point he actually cries for his daddy.

Dylan forces Brenda to stop wearing pant suits before they can go steady. Dylan ditches her to work on an engineering program on his computer. Dylan tells Brandon to fuck off. Dylan wears a t-shirt with an iron on print of planet earth. Oh and Steve tries to fuck some woman (a sex ed teacher), who has AIDS and then makes things worse by apologizing for trying to fuck her because she has AIDS.

Brenda makes Dillon take an HIV test before she will bone him, which kind of sucks because he thinks he might have that AIDS thing because fucking girls in the ocean doesn't kill germs..

Brenda is looking better. Why you gotta hate Kelly?

Brenda has the glow. She looking good now. Everyone else just fades to the background. I haven't even seen Kelly in like five episodes. Oh and Donna, I think she's standing behing Brandon, wearing a Halloween mask...

Brandon- Brenda - Dylan

Brenda shows up. Brenda flirts with Brandon. Dylan flirts with Brenda. Brenda flirts with Dylan. Brandon gets mad.  

She then alludes to "needing" something while looking at Dylan. Provocative isn't even the word for it. Sexual tension explodes all over the face of the first five minutes of this episode.

Now Jim and Dylan are flirting. Brenda walks in on Dylan showering. Now he asks her if she's into videotape.. W O W

Dear Aaron Spelling

I find it greatly inappropriate that you use the same episode to parallel Brandon getting into group sex (theoretically a good thing, especially if he's into that creepy Mr.Clean looking bald husband she's toting around) and a pretty serious gang rape issue that ends in a near attack. Please, keep this shit seperate, this is how creeps evolve. 

Also, Andrea is done, there's no need for her. Or all the pleated pants. Ugh.

Sincerely, 

Die! Andrea! Die!

I fucking hate you.

Episode 9. Is Brandon getting grouped?

Holy shit. I could be wrong but I think Brandon is about to find himself in a MMF experience. This would be fucking awesome. He went home with a massage therapist thinking he was going to get that ass, but found himself looking down the barrel of her boyfriend's cock. This has a ton of potential and I'm pumped.

Dirty talk in the 'Pit

Brandon has openly been solicited by a women masquerading as a masseuse for some real risky sex. Not like risque sex, but like - this girl could be diseased, or eat Brandon ALIVE in the sack. She gets so wild in the peach pit that no one in the room laughed, just kind of a "standing at the urinal" vibe - we all looked straight ahead and tried not to check what was going on around us. This is really promising.

Andrea and Brenda's static is awkward. Obviously Brenda doesn't want to be her friend, but Andrea is forcing the issue, either they are enemies or friends. She doesn't understand the optimal human condition - indifferent. Herein lies Andrea's biggest flaw, she can't be just good with these people, she either has to love or hate. Grow the fuck up.  

When you are looking forward...

to working / volunteering at the recycling center, your life is toilet, Cindy Walsh. 

Flush

Episode 9. Where is your upper lip, Kelly?

Sometimes these "message" episodes further characters that no one cares about, like my girl Jackie and her coke problem. But more often than not they do nothing but bang us over the head with some agenda like "don't kill yourself" or "rape isn't the fault of the victim" both of which are nice messages, but I want to know why Donna wears gold shoulder pads. That's why I'm watching this show. That's the only message I want in my inbox.

Episode 9

Fuck. Andrea is running a teen help phone line. This woman is the biggest bummer ever. I don't understand who makes it off that line alive. If I had to talk out my problems with this miserable hole, I would almost certainly end it all. Gun in mouth, Drano to lips, laying in traffic style.

Episode Nine Synopsis

Brandon has a fourteen year-old stalker, who looks like a forty year-old Mexican woman. Brenda volunteers for a teen suicide helpline, but she has to work for that fucking troll, Andrea. Brenda helps out a rape victim (nobody seems to know where Steve Sanders is for some reason).

Brandon falls for a masseuse, who is shockingly kind of cute for this show. He goes back to her to place to meet her bald boyfriend and they both try to get him to join some weird sex cult. The rape victim turns out to be Wanda from Doogie Howser M.D., who is part of an even weirder cheerleader sex cult.

Everyone ends up happy (sort of, except for that girl who got raped probably)and we hear Donna speak again, but no one cares.

Back... On... Track

Ok, ok.. here we go. Brandon is wearing a stupid frenchmen hat. Srsly? 

David Silver is pranking people over the air. How controversial, and Scott Scanlon predates Urkel with a "Did I do something wrong?"... the countdown till he shoots himself begins.

Also Dylan shows his true alpha style when he gets into high school sports at rivalry week. Is there anything more amazing than a dude who is clearly anti-jock all year until the ultimate moment where it is the coolest part of the school, and THEN he gets behind it? He is on the cusp of high school chic and I solute him. 

FINALLY - Brenda comes out and says what Everyone is thinking. "But really - Andrea Zuckerman?" - she couldn't have been more disgusted. While she says this, her face says "Brandon, you talk to the worst people. she's so lame."

Nat gets more big dawg points from getting some weird massage from a prostitute in the back of the peach pit, unabashedly moaning loud enough for everyone in the restaurant to hear. Nat is climbing that dude heirarchy... 

Episode Eight Synopsis

Close up of Mrs. Walsh's cleavage (saggy tits). Mr. walsh gets jealous when his wife bumps into an old boyfriend at some greenhouse. Brenda and Brandon are recruited to hang out with some weird twins for some college study (What the fuck is going on here?). They undergo some tests to see if they are 'psychic' and decide that they need to sleep together to create a closer connection.

Mrs. Walsh makes out with that dude. We watch while Mr. Walsh puts on his pajamas for five minutes and they both fight and shit. Brandon and Brenda are concerned their parents might break up. Kelly shows up to school in some ugly sweat outfit, looking pregnant. Donna hovers.

Mrs. Walsh's affair turns out to be whack. She runs away from him yelling,"Noooooo!" like a little old woman. Mr. Walsh whines alot and finally she submits and cooks him dinner. David raps for the first time (not well) and Donna actually opens her mouth. I think I liked Donna better when she was Screech's girlfriend.

Mr. and Mrs.. Walsh rekindle their passion and leave Brandon and Brenda alone in the house together (where they read books together in bed. yeah right)

Cindy.

I can't believe I missed the episode where you cheated on Jim. I didn't even know that scene existed!

I get back, miss all the good stuff and catch Donna rapping. :-(

At least David Silver drops his first rap

"Yo West Beverly this is DJ Dave, 

Now I'm not Vanilla Ice 

but chill out and be brave 

because I rock a microphone for ya over the air 

so you say who's that freshmen

check him out, he's aware. "

SIGN THIS DUDE EARLY 90's FASCINATION WITH WHITE RAPPERS

Episode 8. Recap.

Longest episode ever. Old people fucking but not fucking. This is torture, real and true.

I wish Cindy ran off with this photographer dude, then I wouldn't have to endure her stank attitude and irritating face.

Brandon's kind of a dick

Why the hell is he raising his voice? He's kind of a dick.

Episode 8. Oh Donna

Most poorly defined character in the 9-0-universe has got to be Donna. This first season she is really just an amorphous blob of a character. She has about five lines of dialogue this season and three of them have been repeating things Kelly said seconds earlier.

So what is she? A toady? Or does she have her own voice, hidden somewhere beneath those giant stupid hats?

Sometimes she wears overtly sexual outfits and other times it seems her born-again Christian grandmother dressed her. Is this a person who wants to be seen? Or a person trying to hide?

I want to know.

I'm going to say something crazy here. Something some of our readership won't agree with:
Donna is my favorite. I would be apt to sleep with her over these other girls. I said it and I stand by it. Is she gross? Maybe. Maybe she's gross. But there is something inside her I want to know.

Especially after the implants. That shit is a confirmed kill.

Who the Fuck is DJ Mike MC?

You are a fucking joke..

Episode 8. This cock will loosen Cindy up.

So, as I called 30 posts ago, infidelity has crept its way into the Walsh household. But who would've guessed it would be Cindy trolling for balls? I thought for sure Jim would be caught out there doing some nasty shit. But here it is. Cindy creeping hard on some corndick photojournalist who wears his photo-dude-vest when he's just bumming around town.

I think it's a good thing. I think maybe things have settled at the bottom of that drink and it needs a swizzle-stick to stir it back up. A 7" stick with the hair shaved off at the base.

Suggested Drinking Games for Season of 90210

1. Everytime you see a black person, take a drink.

2. Everytime Brandon and Brenda flirt, take a drink.

3. Everytime someone is wearing a floral print, take a drink. (if you are trying to get drunk, here's your choice)

4. Everytime someone is on a telephone, take a drink. 

5. Everytime David says "Hey (fill in name here)", take a drink.

more to come. last episode was good for me, I dug that we finally took a vacation from the Walsh twins. 

Episode 7. Final thoughts.

Jackie is her own woman. No one appreciates being told how to live and Jackie deserves to be treated like the adult she is. No, she will not attend rehab. And no, she won't stop getting rag-dolled at skeevy drug parties. And finally, no, she will not be denied an early morning jumpstart of low-grade coke.

Andrea confesses, and an Andrea confession

Let it be known to people who think we have been hard on Andrea - she has one of the few female traits that I find specifically attractive. 

The joker smile.

I don't know why, I can't explain it. I feel it. I see it, I get tranced, I dig it. Here's a good example.

here's an example: http://tv.popcrunch.com/wp-content/uploads/2007/11/rachael_ray.jpg 

notice how the lips meet up and get kinda thin at the edge of the mouth - Gabrielle Carteris has this going on, and while otherwie I'm not attracted to her, it's a good look. So don't sweat Gaby Cart fans, I'm with you, and while Andrea deserves all the flack, don't think we aren't trying to like her.

Also, Andrea tells Kelly she thinks she's really perfect. - NEWS AT 11 - Ugly dork tells popular pretty girl she thinks her life is awesome. DERRRRRRRRR

Jackie on waking up in the morning...

When you wake up to a loud and annoying daughter, the first thing you need to do is rollover to that coke mirror. And when the aforementioned daughter wants to give you the third degree (ungrateful), you have one thing to say to quiet that devilspawn..

"I just need a jumpstart"

and when Cindy Walsh sees you taking a bump in the bathroom, don't give a fuck. She'd be tripping on you if you were eating a twizzler just the same. 

Episode 7. Mom's a boozer, mom's on coke

Kelly's mom is out of control, and it's turning me on. She's coked out of her mind at this fashion show and makes everyone uncomfortable in the sexiest way possible.

I don't want to make the other guys in the room uncomfortable so I'm not going to tell them I came. It helps if I play with my frenum and think of Jackie.

Jackie's Back in Town...

And finally we get a Kelly episode. Jackie debuts in a gold bikini... and then really stars in a nice leather mini, looking like she just got either A) grouped or B) stuck up in some gangbanger crackhead shit. Kelly's weird self image issues start to make sense as her relationship with her mother is pretty wacked out. 

File under "This will be weird later" - David Silver filming his future step sister walking through the halls all stalker like... "There's something about her hair that just makes me want to go up and sniff it!" 

BRENDA

Fuck your stupid hats. Please, stop that shit. 

Episode Seven Synopsis

David Silver turns his pervert cam on Kelly and boasts that he will bone her one day (it gets creepy). If he wants to do so it would behoove him to lose his best friend, Steve who is the closest thing to pussy repellent. We meet Kelly's mom, who turns into an alcoholic baby when Kelly dumps out her stash, but forgives her after she cleans up her puke.

Andrea can't bring her mom to the mother daughter fashion show (boo-fucking -hoo). Kelly's mother Jackie loses her shit on stage (what kind of alcoholic can't keep their shit together for one fucking hour) and Mr. Walsh and Brandon get hard over Andrea in a valour dress.

Kelly throws an intervention together last minute at Brenda's house. Jackie chills the fuck out and gets her ass to rehab. Brandon and Brenda have another sweet bedroom moment and Mr. Walsh sits on his keyboard (What the fuck? Was he in ELO?) and works on a new theme song for the show.

Brenda, c'mon get your shit together

Those fat folds on your arms make me sick.

Episode 7. Why does Andrea have such a chip on her shoulder?

35 seconds into this episode and I'm already pissed. Why is Andrea so miserable? Seriously. Why? Everything is "THE PAPER!!!" and "I'M FROM OUT-OF-DISTRICT!! DO YOU KNOW HOW THAT FEELS!? NO, YOU COULDN'T! BECAUSE YOU ARE RICH AND HAVE NO PROBLEMS!!" and all that shit. She gives me hives on my brain. Stop talking.

In other news, the producers replaced Kelly's mom with a new actress. This one looks pretty spot-on for a desperate alcoholic twice-divorcee. Meanwhile, Cindy is back on her old bitch-grind. She hates Kelly's mom for lounging around a pool sporting tastefully sized implants. Sorry, Cindy, not everyone wants to wear those wide-in-the-shoulder floral-print table cloths you rock.

If Brandon snitches on Steve...

I might break the DVD player. 

As an early Steve hater, I'm warming to his sleezoid style. I would like to address the current male hierarchy of the series.

Dylan - obviously

Steve - though racist, he at least chills in really nice pools and has a great car. 

Jim Walsh - probably had that secretary in Chicago, let's be real. Didn't try to blow up his son on having sex with his girlfriend, which should go without mention if Cindy wasn't such a stick in the mud.

Nat - dude can make a sandwich, frequently puts Brendan in his place, establishing that dominance on him.

Brandon - could be the #2 if he wasn't such a whipping boy. Missed out on Marianne, a couple others, and continues to let Andrea to twist him up. Come on dawg.

David - He's the worst thing to happen to man since condoms, seriously. He redeems himself hard in later seasons but he really starts as the L.A. Clippers of this dude train. 

(Steve Scanlon is not included because he probably never hit puberty) 

Episode 6. Recap.

Andrea has a wolf's head where her pussy is supposed to be.

Why I'm a Dylan Man

Dylan brings it. Every day, every look. He makes girls feel inadequate, let alone other dudes. I'd be shocked if Brandon doesn't have to check to make sure one of his nuts didn't rescind into his lower intestine after a hang sesh with the McKay. 

One instance in this episode sums up everything that is Dylan McKay in a nifty package is his first interaction with Brenda Walsh. Kelly "Smokin Hot" Taylor comes up, sliding over in her own drool, Brenda "bagface" Walsh comes on the rear. Kelly flirts, Dylan reciprocates in a subtle but tasteful way that leaves both girls digging him, shoots Brenda a quick look and vibes her, JUST enough to get Kelly all wild. 

Does Steve have the nutsack or eloquence to pull off such a move? Nah. I like Steve's jock style, but let's be real. He pulls chicks on his status, and that's cool. But Dylan is swatting them away and has time to ponder the finer things in one hour television life, like karma and surfing. and weird science machines that are going to conquer the future (which is where Scott Scanlon has been).

Episode 6. I'm speaking out.

While these other haters have been harping on how ugly, stupid, and annoying Andrea is, I've remained silent. I don't make fun of people with deformities. I think that shit is fucked up.

But this episode is where I draw the line. Brandon got on the good-foot and went in with Steve on quiz cheating shit. He starts going through some conflict of conscience because "cheating is wrong" or some shit. Meanwhile, this stank asshole, Andrea, sees Brandon cheating and gets on him about it. She goes so far to say "you're lucky I don't turn you in."

What the fuck, bitch? Turn me in? If I was Brandon I would suplex Andrea through a wood stove. What kind of sick NARC mentality is that? I want to see Brandon in an oversized "Stop Snitchin" shirt kickbox Andrea off the roof of West Beverly.

Letter to the editor of the West Beverly Times

Dear Aundreahh -

You are so annoying. You make me feel insecure about my incredible intelligence, and even though you undress me with your gross cow eyes, I am offended more than into it. When I see you sitting across the class in your gross loser clothes I just want to throw something at you. Maybe like a pomegranate, but like a rotten one. Oh yeah. 

When I see the public transit bus, sometimes I wish it just wouldn't stop. Just once, maybe, you'd be away from me at school and maybe I could get back on my babe train express. You and your gross shoulder pads and pant suits make for excellent hottie repellent. The other day I had to drive through Van Nuys. Remember that time I came to your house? I was slumming. I admit ok, in a moment of weakness I almost slipped down for a gross apple off the ground. Sue me. 

Hopefully next time you see me you will be crying or just too embarassed to look my way. But I won't be awkward. My head will be up high. I'll be laughing and high fiving all my cool friends, maybe even slamming down a cold soda. You know why? Because you have been killing my vibe and I can't wait to get back to the real thing I need to be looking out for - THE BRAN-DAWG.

Peace out lame-o 

BRANDAWG aka BIG MINNESOTA

Oh Donna

Shut the fuck up!

Episode 6 Synopsis

That smug bastard, Steve gets an A on a history test and rubs it Brandon's face. Brenda rehashes her role in Heathers, waltzing around school with Kelly like they own the fucking place. Andrea finally makes the move on Brandon, asking him out on a study date and she promises him that he won't even have to look at her face. Brandon is intrigued by the proposition at fucking a woman that is older than his t.v. mom and he sits in class staring at her like she's the elephant man.

Some old dude keeps hitting on Brandon at the Peach Pit. It turns out that old gay guy is his history teacher and Steve has been using his tight seersucker shorts to distract the teach so that he can cheat on a remedial multiple choice test. Brandon gets jealous (of Steve's A's) and decides to cheat as well, but is caught in the reflection of Andreas stupid granny glasses.

Brenda becomes obsessed with becoming a slut and accidently puts blonde streaks in her hair, (which actually makes her look trashy), but she freaks out anyway and hides herself under a giant Blossom hat.

Brandon has a nice word with Peach Pit Nat and unwittingly encounters the creepy old teacher in the parking lot, who needs help with a flat tire (blowjob) and drops his cheat sheet. Brenda goes for a run (if you've seen how fat this bitch is, you'd know that they probably did it in one take) and Dylan oggles the fuck out of her on his sweet yamaha bike.

Lesson: Brandon finally learns how to get ahead in school, which is to go right up to the teacher and kiss his ass and if it's a gay guy, complement his suit.

Episode 6. Dylan swims in it.

Dylan can't be stopped. Steve can't be stopped. They are both equally potent sexual juggernauts. The difference being: What Steve does is private. He goes long on incidental characters. He sleeps with extras. Really below the radar. Dylan, on the other hand, always has to be fucking the main characters. Does he need attention? Is it a status thing?

Here's why I'm a Steve man: The dude knows himself.

He's an unapologetic, loudmouth, casual racist, who revels in his rich kid status. These are not good qualities to have. However, to be at peace with yourself is the best quality a person can have. And that's Steve. He's living his dharma. He's comfortable in his own skin.

Letter to Brenda Walsh, NASCAR enthusiast

Hey why can't a woman drive a car real fast; have the feeling of ten tons of horse power between your legs. Go for it Brenda! You follow that dream of being the first woman to drive in NASCAR ever. Wait? There already are female drivers? Fuck it. Why dont you get rid of that dumpy sweater and maybe Dylan will let you blow him.

Nat teaches Brandon how to make a sandwich

No. Really, he does. 

In this episode, Brenda steals Brandon's car, it runs out of gas, it gets stolen for real ("probably by one of the basketball player who took my spot" - steve sanders) and then Brandon reality checks / Judges his retard sister. Brandon then realizes his true role in life, as a ballboy and tutor. He will take up this role as a college student as well. 

The early episodes really seem jumbled, and they need that oversexed teenage conflict to spice things up. So far, Brenda hasn't even met Dylan, and Kelly's insane sex addiction hasn't been played up. I feel like we are driving through the plains, sure it's beautiful for the first hour but then you realize you've been driving flats for 10 hours... and you're dying for a hill. Or some sort of illicit teacher-student affair.

"I'm not a cowboy, and you're not a gangbanger crackhead" - brandon walsh

"Don't mind those suckers, this is OUR school" - steve sanders 

Episode 5. In summation.

Student athletes robbed Steve of his hoop dreams.

Episode 5. Race in America

Some hard-hitting shit here. Things get a little racial this episode when my man, Steve, is cut from the basketball team and rages against student athletes. Sour grapes, Steve. It's not anyone's fault that student athletes have an extra muscle.

Colonel Sanders

Steve's a racist who is jealous he can't play basketball and basically throws down some "the south will rise again" shit on Brandon. And he is using the Celtics as a hate platform, throwing out Bird and McHale as a "WE gotta stick together" thing. Patrick Kindlon still isn't wavering in his Steve Sanders love.

The only black people on Beverly Hills 90210 (not in the background) are basketball players. 

Kelly flirts with Brandon, David lives all over every other character (he really treads this middle ground between an older Macaulay Culkin and crappier Eddie Furlong), Andrea continues to diss / crush on Brandon.... pretty ho-hum. Show is finding it's groove, but it's kind of a boring groove.

Where's Scott Scanlon?

Short People Got No Reason...

1. Brandon gets SMASHED on by some dude with a blonde fro AND a gross chick wearing a tie for being short. "Aren't you a little short?" LOL 

2. Brenda has a nascar dream sequence. Seriously, give me a reason to believe that this wasn't a character assassination for anyone from the midwest. I wanted to change the channel on the dvd

World 2, Walsh family 0. 

Episode Five Synopsis

Brenda wakes up with kabuki make up on and decides that she needs to get a license. Brenda has some goofy dream where she is driving on the nascar circuit (that was probably the best thing I've seen yet). Brandon plays one game of pick up driveway basketball with his dad and decides to go out for the team, which might actually work out if he had Teen Wolf powers.

Steve gets cut from the team, pulls his white blazer over his head and becomes this awful racist, calling black people suckers (which I'm not sure is insulting in a New Jack City kind of way). Andrea gets in on the whole white power thing (her soul is ugly as well) and has Brandon question (terrorize) this black athlete, James for the school paper to the point of uncomfortability.

Brandon confronts his inner racial demons and finds out that it's okay to be cool with black people, but when Brenda loses his car and it magically reappears, he realizes how good it is to be white.

Episode 5. First thoughts.

Some real fantasy shit going on this episode. The writers were really going to great lengths to get fired around this time. Brenda races indie car in a dream sequence. Let me type that again. Brenda races indie car.

Where the fuck is Nat? For real, we've only been inside the Peach Pit once since the series started. They keep listing Joe E. Tata in the credits but he hasn't put in more than an hour of work. I want more Pit man. Oh shit, speak of the devil. We've got a Nat siting. 30 seconds. Joe Tata is the king of welfare acting. Dude doesn't do shit.

Episode 4. Recap.

Brenda wants to fuck her teacher but he's been emasculated by his shrew wife and can't motivate himself to fuck a passably-hot high schooler.

Brandon fucks his high school sweetheart who will probably come back to haunt him with a paternity test in a couple seasons.

That nameless girlfriend is addicted to the fast life of LA after living it for 3 hours and tries to shack up with Dylan. Dylan outs himself by turning down that emotionally fragile pussy.

Cindy and Jim still have the least fulfilling lives on planet Earth and are probably an episode away from wife-swapping.

David Silver, I feel you man

Don't get down bro. One day you'll be banging that hot bitch from transformers and you'll be totally rocking it in the Sarah Connor Chronicles man. Hang in there dude!

Temper Temper

Brandon is about to hit this Cheryl girl. Seriously. His tone is like that evil voice that is usually reserved for the most violent Lifetime specials and he talks down to her so hard. Is it really that hard for our boy Jason Priestly to communicate his anger as an actor without it being so up on the d.v. tip? At least his look is moving up, kind of this post- Miami Vice slick look. 

So far the series has swirled totally around Brenda and Brandon, I wonder when the tipping point was? When did they realize, oh shit, Shannen Doherty is completely unlikeable and kind of fugly. I love that it was so unceremonious and they basically shit all over Brenda's character in seasons 2+3 for crapping up the first season. Cheryl just unloaded a great "making love with you was different" schtick on Brando - honestly just sounded like some cheesy dude line.  Brandon took it, kudos to Cheryl for having the best exit so far for the rotating door of "Brandon Babes" (which in translation means "marginally attractive niche interest girls who brandon will make out with but moreover bore to death with his perpetual judging"). 

Jim Walsh on... shaving your back.

"Don't do that shit, who cares."

Episode 4. Man, Brenda's life sucks.

Brenda shows up at the house of her geometry teacher for her first babysitting gig. He's congenial and keeps it professional. This is why Beverley Hills 90210 fails as a television program. Think about how much better this show would be if the teacher answered the door in a leather mask with a pig snout and forces Brenda into his fuck-swing. Much better show. This is stale shit for middle America. Because Nebraska has a bee in its bonnet about healthy sex lives we're all subjected to boring-ass vanilla television with no fuck-swings.

Soundtrack

Haven't really talked about the soundtrack - generally mild alt rock, like less edgy that gin blossoms or toad the wet sprocket type stuff is the default. But this episode we've been treated to some craptacular shit punk sounds. My gut feeling was that it sounds like MxPx demo tracks or something. It's gross. 

Sidenote: Cheryl, Brandon's gf, is currently being macked by (who else) Dylan. She is very AW,SHUCKS... and it almost seems like they overdubbed extra midwest flavor (flay-vor) to emphasize her steez. Dylan is about to steal her. He's so close. You are swimming with sharks Brandon, and you keep chumming. Check your face.

Episode 4. More.

This girl is trying to rope my dude Brandon into a mantrap, mark my words. This hillbilly from Minnesota saw what a good thing the Walsh's had here in Beverly Hills and wants in. She put holes in the condom, I guarantee it. She wants this love child because it's a paycheck. This is a shady ho, no doubt, but that doesn't justify Cindy Walsh player hating. She was actively trying to cockblock my man and had to be shut down by Big Jim who had to explain to her that a dude's gonna do what a dude's gonna do.

Is Dylan trying to get in there? Is he trying to smash this Minnesota hayseed? If I were Brandon I would let him go with it and then pin the baby on him. Dodge the mantrap, homie.

Purple T-Shirts and Orange shorts with pleats

Honestly, keeping Andrea and Brandon as far away from each other as possible would make this show better. I get nauseous every time I see them together, it sucks out any soul Brandon has left and Andrea is just terrible. She doesn't even become tolerable until like episode 4. Andrea (pronounced AHHHNDREEEAH) is asking him questions about where his chick is gonna sleep, for real? She's really in his space like that? ugh.

Science nerd Dylan drops some wisdom on Brandon basically saying that you only think a girl is special if she sleeps with you and when that stops, POOF magic is gone. Brandon denies but you can see it in his face. Then David Silver (who?) drops Brandon some knowledge on some "one time at band camp" style story, and has an uncanny vocal similarity to Eddie Furlong circa Terminator 2. 

They continue to belabour this anxiety and finally he gets to see her.... budget. She is considerably more attractive than say ANDREA, but everyone else has her beat. She's got that folksy thing that Americanians (aka racists and slow folk) are into right now and probably is related to Fran Tarkenton. Her jeans are an argument against discount stores and allowing just anyone to wear denim. 

Cindy is about to bust up Brandon's game. Come on. You gonna really do that? Strangely, most of these girls with one off appearances have a real sea monkey thing going on, you put water on them and they come to life - these ladies all come to life after a jacuzzi sesh or quick shower. Step up Minnesota, do it for Hershel Walker!!! 

Episode Four Synopsis

Brandon and Brenda share a surprisingly comfortable shirtless bathroom moment. Andrea keeps poking her disgusting face in Brandon's business. David Silver annoys.

Brandon's old girlfriend comes into town and she looks like a burn victim. Dylan would look cool walking around (in a pair of zoobaz) highschool if he was your dad. Mr. and Mrs. Walsh listen patiently outside the door while Brandon tries to come inside a woman for the first time (not creepy). After blowing his wad, Brandon becomes a major buzzkill and his Minnesota snatch loses interest, going after Dylan's pompador.

Brenda babysits for her crush, Rick Springfield. Kelly and Donna (who is always in shadow for some reason) stop by and ruin her ability to come up with any kind of penthouse letters material. Brandon gets in a two second homo fist fight with Dylan over Miss Minnesota. Brenda asks Mrs. Walsh why Brandon is so upset with his girlfriend and she whispers, "It's because they were fucking and you know.." (snaps her fingers)

Mr' Walsh shows off some hairy shoulders in a game of pick up basketball. End

Brenda and Brandon sitting in a tree...

Brenda & Brandon Incestuous Moment #2 - "Hey, let's open the episode in the shared bathroom, Brenda in her gross fat chick pajama look and brandon with no shirt on, but a sort of provocative gold chain cross necklace. Isn't that what teenage brother and sisters do together? Hang out in their bathroom together, then spy on each others phone calls? That's not incestuous. ITS NATURAL"

Words to describe Andrea Zuckerman's Face...

Bob: unholy, barftacular

Patrick: the movie cliffhanger, cragmatic

Leonard: old, poop in a bus station toilet

Episode 4. Initial response

Why the fuck are these grown siblings standing in the bathroom together? Brandon is shirtless. Someone call child protection, this shit is foul and deserves prosecution.

I like the introduction to Brandon's girlfriend from back home. "Yeah I never talk about her because she's not around a lot..."

Dylan and Brandon met in shop class. Alright. I get it. Dylan has to be introduced as the dude running from his father's money and requires salt-of-the-Earth activities to establish that. Makes it easy on the viewer. But when we finally get a look at that shop class the dudes are playing with robots. Robots man. They give us the impression Dylan is doing small engine repair but he's actually building Skynet.

Brandon's girl is real prairie style. Sort of hot in a plain way at times. I like her big hair though.

Tell me a little bit about Beverly Hills

Everyone has a maid - the difference between rich and poor in Beverly Hills is that rich people maids dress like maids and poor people (read: The Walsh's) maids wear crappy clothes.

It's acceptable to wear floral print everything and or blu-niforms ( Brenda loves a blu-niform). 

No one has attentive parents and everyone hates themselves for it. The richer (read: cooler) you are, the less parents you have. 

Poor people think stealing is wrong, and rich people think stealing is just buying things without giving the stores money. You decide who is right, and then shove your morals up your poor ass. 

McKay Moment #2 - Dylan eats at the restaurant that Brandon is doing an "undercover" on, that employs immigrants and pays them less than minimum wage. He doesn't care, he's just hungry. Can't a man eat? 

Jim Walsh on..

stealing.

"Kids steal."

Episode 3. Final thoughts.

Hard lessons for Brenda in this episode. She finds herself caught up with a klepto booster who wants to teach her the ways of retail theft. Unfortunately for the sake of the show, Brenda is too square to embrace her new role as a fucked up grifter. Fuck this.

Cindy is really quick to blame Beverly Hills for her kids downward spiral, but what about your parenting Cindy? What about that shit? You are real quick to throw the blame on everyone else. But you are the failure here, Cindy. You failed your kids. Next episode Brenda will be smoking crystal and servicing a 60 year old drywall contractor for drug money. Your fault, Cindy.

I agree with Brandon, working sucks

Brandon gets some lame bus boying job.. I want to live like Steve. Drive around in my corvette, wear a lederman jacket with tight shorts, and watch a snuff porn that my rich father left in the vcr on my big screen t.v.. That's right Brandon. Throw that napkin at that bitch and quit.

"Why were you guys ex-friends?"

Two great additions to the cast - Anna and Tiffany. We'll discuss Tiffany first, who I believe I will refer to as TyFFanI from here on out. She is WYLD. She steals, gets naked on camera in front of David Silver, and sneers at Cindy within the first 15 seconds of meeting her. I feel as though Aaron Spelling didn't really get to excise this desire for a wild child female character until Valerie Malone (Tiffani Amber-Thiessen), but TyFFanI was a good start. I could see her hanging at early NiN concerts, and I'm sure anyone could relate to the teenager who needs to tell you about their absentee parent within minutes of first meeting them. She also proves to be too wyld for Kelly Taylor, the notorious spoiled brat skank of the series. Oops, episode update - TyFFanI's just "been caught stealin'." 

Anna is a sad character - she is the mexican maid who serves as Cindy's only friend since she moved to Beverly Hills, and much of their communication is Anna, wide eyed and frayed, as Cindy rambles on like some old spinster speaking to her cats, furniture, lawn orniments. I guess Anna should have known what she was getting into, her first encounter with Cindy Walsh was as she was outside, furiously gardening.... at 8 am in the morning. 

Episode 3. Get Nuclear

Brenda looks like hell in this episode. Serious car-accident, face-to-gravel-pit, beaten-with-hammer sort of ugly here.

Cindy and Jim's marriage seems to be on the rocks. He's in Chicago with a hot-ass secretary and Cindy is getting close to her Mexican house cleaner.

He seems to be drinking more. I see this ending with key parties and divorce.

Stupid Hats...

won't make you look better Brenda. 

Episode 3 Synopsis

Brenda gets really into the theater and she starts wearing a blazer that makes her look like an amateur magician. Kelly becomes the first albino to become the most popular girl at school. Brandon has to blow a dude to get a waiting job.

One of Brenda's friends with an enormous ass stuffed in a pair of jean shorts shoplifts some ugly old lady frock, followed by some ominous music. Mrs. Walsh hangs out with a maid who cant speak english (obviously) and it becomes very poignant, although i dont remember what they were saying at all. Mr Walsh comes home and they fuck. I think.

Brenda gets caught with her klepto friend and Mr. Walsh is very disappointed and decides to banish her to her bedroom closet where Brandon and her talk about how they both feel like migrant workers (the maid that works for them) .

Brandon says fuck everything and Dylan helps him get a job at the Peach Pit, where he is selling coke out of the back of anyway. The Walsh's sit at the dinner table like a bunch of assholes. End.

Episode 3. Initial thoughts.

Jim Walsh makes an appearance this episode but is still "in Chicago." I don't understand this foil at all. Why is he in Chicago? They moved to Beverly Hills for his job.

They were still working out the character kinks here. Is Kelly a stank bitch or what? Sometimes yes, sometimes no. Pick an archetype and run with it, writing staff.

Weird soundtrack on this one. Sort of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Original Movie Soundtrack but way less urban. But I guess you need a lot of music when you are doing three montages an episode.

Episode II: Return of Scott Scanlon

This episode was nice, especially after the 90 minute douchepill that was the pilot. Everyone is more likeable (including Steve!) and it feels better rounded, everyone more comfortable in their roles. Dylan adds to the episode but he as a complex character is confusing. He's a typical deep surfer type who misses his mommy and daddy. WAH. 

Best McKay Moment #1 - Dylan busts out fluent French while calling his parents. 

Best Incestuous Brenda/Brandon Moment #1 - They close the episode embracing and doing some bullshit down the hallway. If I ever went to school with a sibling, I'd do my best not to even look them in the eye, let alone associate. Sorry sister, but I know you'd have it no other way.

SCOTT SCANLON UPDATE

- still hates jocks

- has narrowly recovered his Lakers hat (with his name embroidered on it) from S.Sanders corvette 

- has worn L.A. Lakers gear at every possible turn. I feel like I'm going to see a Michael Cooper jersey pretty soon

- has already established himself as a Milhouse to David Silver's Bart: Though involved in multiple Steve/David convo's, David does NOT introduce him, nor does Steve acknowledge his presence. He just stands there, oggling them both, in some sort of Uatu meets Paul Pfeifer zone. 

next episode...

Brandon"s Hair is Different

It looks weird. Maybe less gel? Oh shit. I just realized... no mullet!

Episode 2. FInal Thoughts.

This is becoming a real clash of cultures.

An Open Letter to a Friend

Dear Minnesota, 

I think I should let you know you are harshing everyone's mellow with your better than you attitude. Really, why are you judging everyone? So what if Betty wants to get drunk on the beach at noon? And that her beach bros are good with it? So what if Kelly wants to dress like a slut? So what if Brenda wants to date a 25 year old? Where were you to stop Steve from wearing that shorts / blazer combo, or really anything he has worn to this point. Dude is a commercial for terrible gear. And you need to step up your game. This is problematic behavior that will probably last for the entire run of this television series if it doesn't stop soon.

Also, stop being a wuss about having sex with girls. So far, Marianne has thrown herself at you (quote: "let's take off all our clothes!"), and now Betty aka Sara (for those of you who DONT party) is tryna get hers. In closing, more sex, less judging. 

Sincerely, 

Dylan's got that Supertouch

His surfer dirtbag friends are a lost element of this show. Very rarely were any of the extreneous friends shown (Steve's jock friends, David Silver's dork friends) and they are almost always the best of every crummy stereotype possible. One of Dylan's dirtbag friends has a Bad Brains patch on his denim jacket, and Brandon is enticed by the burnt surfer chick. This is a rare breed that actually exists, I guarantee this girl, and others of her species, all have the most leathery of leather skin that may be the most unattractive female trait possible. 

Burnt surfer chick and dirtbag friends feel very authentic. Also Brandon's babyish reaction to being called "Minnesota" is very believable. Brandon sorta loses points with me here, Grow a sack MINNESOTA.

Episode 2 Synopsis

Dylan McKay. Nerd Protector. Outside steps lunch eater. Human skank radar. Brandon's friend? maybe not. Dylan brings Brandon to his borrowed babe lair and Brandon brushes off this seemingly innocent come-on. Brenda takes an hour to get ready for a megadeth concert (the beach).

At the beach, Steve and David continue their awkward greetings and Brandon saves some surfer bitch from drowning (on her own vomit). That bug-eyed Mrs. Walsh threatens to move the family back to Minnesota and i kind of wish she did so we wouldn't have to sit through twenty ours of this shit. Kelly ditches everyone to go off with her cooler (imaginary) friends.

Dylan talks to his mother's maid in french. Brandon never seems to get with any girls, but seems to embark on some weird mentorship program with them. End.

Episode 2. More thoughts.

Dylan is a certified bad boy. He gets the hottest(?) trim on the beach and drives a convertible.

There is unduly intense exchange between Brandon and Dylan early on that leaves me wondering if they later fall into bed together.

Brandon's love interest in this episode is pretty rough. She's the sex-doll for a surfer gang and looks haggard at 17. I think this is a good look for him. I wish this was the direction I could rely on him taking throughout the series. The show would be a lot more fun to watch if he was picking up runaways and grouping them with Dylan and his wastoid surf bros.

QUICK POLL

More Attractive -  Cindy Walsh or Brenda Walsh

PK - I'll go Cindy because I guarantee she can really work it out on top.

PL - Brenda, definitely. She doesn't have fucking crows feet. Is that too obvious?

RS - Cindy Walsh, she at least looks like a woman, sorta.