Poll: Worse - Brenda Walsh or Andrea Zuckerman

Worse- Brenda or Andrea, on all levels? 

Maybe a harder question than it appears, because we have unanimously decided Brenda-centric episodes are eye-stabbing, fuck fuck fuck, intolerable shit. 

So...

Patrick: End of the day who's worse? I'm gonna go with Brenda. Her personality is so grating, combined with her deformed head, and its close, if we were in Vegas this would be called a pick-em, but I gotta go Brenda.

Leonard: My brain is like Jello. I'm gonna have to go with Andrea, she's a fucking reptile. And with Brenda, if she's wearing sun glasses to hide that droopy eye of hers she's ok. I can look at her. Andrea is gross.

Bob: I'm gonna go with Brenda - her stumpy personality bores me on a level not even reconizable to common man. Andrea sucks, but she had 1 dream sequence - Brenda had 4. 

Episode 22. That was close.

Well, the Walsh family stays in Beverly and all is well in the world. Jim realized that making more money doesn't matter if the woman you have to come home to is gross.

Dylan/Brenda pregnancy scare already? Cliffhanger. I'm going to make a prediction here. They have the baby and feed it to that basement-ghoul Andrea.

That was a lot of episodes. I changed as a person going through all that. Was it worth it? Maybe. I think so.

1:14 am

We have completed the first season of 90210. Only 274 more to go. 

Andrea didn't have sex with Brandon. Brenda might be preggers. Steve stopped acting like a baby about Brandon moving when it came about that Brandon is not moving. Kelly is on the verge of being a mega-slut. Donna and David are seen dancing together, the magic begins. 

And Scott Scanlon slowly fades to black...

Episode 22. Just once for the record.

Maybe I've done the reader a disservice by not making this clear: Brenda is gross. Like literally disgusting. Let's forget her eyes being unlevel. Let's talk about her bad skin, round face, and carny teeth. This woman is the sort that you cross the street to avoid. Her vagina may bite.

Literally

Andrea asks Brandon to have sex with her. He reacts accordingly...

"I told her I'd have to think about it."

Episode 22. Moving back to the midwest.

Jim gets a promotion that requires the family to move back to that hicktown they crawled out of. The family votes to stay because they've tasted the apple and can't go back to ignorance. But Jim tells them to fuck themselves- they are moving.

Steve sort of ambles out of the closet this episode by revealing how hurt he is by Brandon leaving. Andrea sort of ambles out of her CHUD sewer hole and tries to fuck Brandon on some last-minute desperation shit.

Episode Twenty Two Synopsis

Steve gets his ass kicked by a freshman, who knocks out one of his eyes (the eyepatch is a good look for him). Mr. Walsh may take the entire family back to Minnesota and we already know that he can't. The show must go on. Or does it have to?

Maybe Mr. Walsh takes this new position at Accounting Corp or whatever and the six figure salary that comes with it. Then Brandon will never have to sleep with Andrea and have to vomit afterwards or listen to Brenda talking about fucking Dylan and vomiting afterwards; Brenda will never have to meet the other girls that Dylan has been fucking and cry about it; and Kelly will get to fuck Dylan; and Donna will finally be noticed by somebody; and without Brandon's stupid moral compass, Steve will become the total and complete dickhead that we want him to be. Maybe all of this will be over.


But of course Mr. Walsh sees how much his family wants to be in Beverly Hills and decides to give up that huge raise and stay. I love the Going away/ We're Staying party that Nat throws for them at the Peach Pit. Are you gonna cover that bill Mr. Walsh? you jerk. How many seasons are left? Ten or something? Fuck me. Fucking kill me. Fuck.

Season One Almost Done

I really am starting to hate myself..

FIIIIIIGGHHHHHHTTTTTTT

Steve gets in a fight about his washed up mom. "I don't like when they call her washed up."

Andrea tries to give herself to Brandon as a going away present, he doesn't even pick up on it.

Brenda hates Andrea SO much. It's great. 

I don't have much more to say. We are 21 1/2 episodes in...

Episode 21. Andrea thirsts for blood.

In what is probably the best dream-sequence of the series, Andrea works out her insecurities about being a dateless mutant in a Carrie-inspired fantasy. For some reason this motivates her to go to the dance no one invited her to, where Brandon gives her a sympathy sway.

Dylan finally fucks Brenda. It's an anticlimax and we don't see even suggested penetration but at least pandora's box has been opened and we can hope to see some pregnancy scares and STD's in the future.

Drunk Steve goes through a spectrum of emotions. Oh yeah, he's adopted. That shit is real.

Dear Brenda,

Sooooo.... I heard Dylan told you he loved you tonight. Totally cool. Just so you know, he pulls that out of the box whenever he thinks he isn't.. well, getting into that box. Hopefully you enjoy it, he's already told you, he's more into blondes. Aka.. He's into what you're not. Good luck.

Yours,

Kelly

Episode 21. Steve is gonna hit her!

FUCK I LOVE STEVE. HE'S DRUNK AGAIN! THE BEST! THE REAL STEVE EMERGES! THE WILDMAN COMES OUT OF HIS CAVE!

New Themes

Andrea decides to let it all hang out and just get fat. Any fans of the show know this happens, I bet they wrote that into the series. "Yeah, uh, Gabrielle, you need to gain some weight. We know you are annoying, and crappy, and frumpy... well we also think we want some fatty jokes to be thrown your way. Yes, this is really happening. Stop crying."

Also, Donna wears a silly dress. This will become a recurring theme for the first 4 seasons or so of the show, and even trails into the later years. Guh

Brenda throws down some bitch gauntlet by spiking hard on Kelly about the dress...

and then throws her vagina at Dylan when he tells her he loves her. Countdown till he leaves her for Kelly begins... NOW.

Episode 21. Watching your friend fuck your sister. Not a turn on.

Prom episode. Or "Spring Fling" episode I guess. A classic of the teen genre. This one should be steamy. We've got Dylan bringing Brenda to some bang motel and Steve resentfully hating on Brandon taking Kelly as his date. I need this to pay off. Please God, please. Just give me some satisfaction. I've watched almost 20 hours of this shit. Please, someone get fucked. Please something significant happen. Please. Now or never.

Prom Episode

Andrea goes fembot because she is insecure about wanting to go to the prom with Brandon. When is she going to take a hint - and by hint I mean that time about 6 episodes ago where Brandon straight up says "I'm glad we aren't physically attracted to each other AT ALL and can JUST BE friends forever. I'm talking NEVER NO CHANCE of hooking up EVER EVER." 

And by the way - remember that time you told Kelly how you think she is perfect? Well Kelly's trying to get on Brandon. How about that? 

Remember when you tried to knock boots with Steve?

You won't. 

You also can watch as Andrea's tiny black heart is shattered by Brandon and Kelly's hallway love.

Donna wears a floral print apparel at least 85% of the time. 

Episode Twenty One Synopsis

Prom Night. Brenda and Dylan; Brandon and Kelly; Steve and Donna? All I know is that none of these people will end up having sex (or will they?), especially Andrea who is sitting at home eating ice cream and farting on her couch. Brenda and Kelly show up in the same black and white dress and I am having a black and white nightmare, where my head is about explode.

Dylan gets a hotel room. Brenda hides. Steve gets drunk and tells Kelly that he was an orphan in hopes of a pity fuck. Kelly runs. Andrea falls asleep and has a dream, where she murders everybody at the dance (she looks pretty good with a chainsaw I'll have to admit). I blinked and I missed Brenda and Dylan screwing for the first time. And Brenda couldn't be more obvious if she were wearing an"I just got boned" sache across her shoulders.

David wows on the dance floor (and I mean wow! I haven't seen such awful white dancing at a Phish concert). Andrea shows up dressed like a librarian that is dressed up like Cinderella. Nobody cares, except for Brandon who just pities the fuck out of her. Boring. End.

The reason why Andrea looks so old

You are an eighth year senior. And you probably have some saggy boobies...

Episode 20. Brandon doesn't need a cup. He has a pussy.

I can't tell worth a goddamn what is happening here. Brandon doesn't like Steve's coaching, so he leaves the team and ends up assistant coaching for Nat's team. Nat coaches some corny Bad News Bears type of lovable loser team. Brandon has the job for a couple hours before he bounces back to his old team, now coached by his father. The two teams play each other. Then some Eight Men Out shit takes place where Brandon and the pitcher conspire to throw the game. The whole thing ends with Brenda's dog running across the field to the kid who couldn't catch the final out. This episode made less sense than any single episode of ALF or a rough acid trip.

Go Pitts!

The Dukes are a bunch of spoiled brats. Brandon is a traitor. What side are you on walsh?

WHAT SIDE ARE YOU ON.

Episode 20. Steve wears a large cup.

Brandon and Steve coach a little league team. Steve is on some George Steinbrenner shit and Brandon is on some Disney movie bullshit. Regrettably neither of them runs the team like Marge Schott, which I think would've been great for the show and little league baseball in general.

Brenda adopts a dog and fights with her annoying bitch of a father about keeping him.

This is a nothing episode. Everyone in it is raising his or her voice about shit that truly doesn't matter. Why is Brandon so intense about little kids playing baseball? I mean, really, who the fuck cares? And why is Jim being such a cocksucker? I know the show needs conflict, but let's not make the shit a cartoon.