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Andrea decides to let it all hang out and just get fat. Any fans of the show know this happens, I bet they wrote that into the series. "Yeah, uh, Gabrielle, you need to gain some weight. We know you are annoying, and crappy, and frumpy... well we also think we want some fatty jokes to be thrown your way. Yes, this is really happening. Stop crying."

Also, Donna wears a silly dress. This will become a recurring theme for the first 4 seasons or so of the show, and even trails into the later years. Guh

Brenda throws down some bitch gauntlet by spiking hard on Kelly about the dress...

and then throws her vagina at Dylan when he tells her he loves her. Countdown till he leaves her for Kelly begins... NOW.

INCONSISTENCIES

Melissa (special ed harvard applicant, teenage mom, likes to sit under trees at lunch)  has a baby. 

Steve Sanders comments "she was dating  ______ who was also a senior and bada bing bada boom... " 

How long is the senior year at beverly high? I GOT YOU 90210 WRITERS

Kelly is flirting with the sky dive instructor already.  She is wearing a denim outfit (probably borrowed from brenda) - she eyefucks his brains out and at one point stares directly at his genitalia for too long. NC-17

TXT TO STEVE SANDERS

OMG We fukk like once and a half and u wont leave me alone. PLZ go away! 

XoXo ;-P Kelly 

Captain Jack will get you high tonight

Strong start to our late nate viewing... Steve peer pressuring Brandon to drink fruity drinks he's spinning. Kelly says "my mother drinks, I sip" -- because alcoholism isn't a hereditary thing at all.

Steve spiked Brandon's drink. *Male rape scene ensues*, no really Brandon caves into Steve's pushing and becomes the violent prick he barely keeps hidden under the surface. 

Steve and Kelly get down, Brenda and Brandon eye each other (it's not even weird at this point)...

Andrea confesses, and an Andrea confession

Let it be known to people who think we have been hard on Andrea - she has one of the few female traits that I find specifically attractive. 

The joker smile.

I don't know why, I can't explain it. I feel it. I see it, I get tranced, I dig it. Here's a good example.

here's an example: http://tv.popcrunch.com/wp-content/uploads/2007/11/rachael_ray.jpg 

notice how the lips meet up and get kinda thin at the edge of the mouth - Gabrielle Carteris has this going on, and while otherwie I'm not attracted to her, it's a good look. So don't sweat Gaby Cart fans, I'm with you, and while Andrea deserves all the flack, don't think we aren't trying to like her.

Also, Andrea tells Kelly she thinks she's really perfect. - NEWS AT 11 - Ugly dork tells popular pretty girl she thinks her life is awesome. DERRRRRRRRR

Jackie's Back in Town...

And finally we get a Kelly episode. Jackie debuts in a gold bikini... and then really stars in a nice leather mini, looking like she just got either A) grouped or B) stuck up in some gangbanger crackhead shit. Kelly's weird self image issues start to make sense as her relationship with her mother is pretty wacked out. 

File under "This will be weird later" - David Silver filming his future step sister walking through the halls all stalker like... "There's something about her hair that just makes me want to go up and sniff it!" 

Looking California, Feeling Minnesota

EPISODE 1 RECAP
Brandon and Andrea have the relationship dynamics and aesthetic of two 38 year olds with fat ugly children. Watching their interaction is like going to a flea market and seeing a couple argue over cavarecci’s and faux leather products while they hold a child on a leash. It’s terrible. I can’t believe this is a plot thread that was held onto for so long.

Everyone wears belts, big hideous ones that are made visually evident to the audience because no t-shirt remains untucked. This fashion, moreso than the music drivel, would be my main inspiration for the alt. culture / youth angst explosion of the early nineties. Kudos to 90210 for not really kowtowing to the grunge movement… they instead opted to stay mired in tucked in shirts.

The pilot tries, and FAILS, to have some sort of faculty cast, both interacting amongst each other as well as the main cast. This is a terrible failing that aches of eighties intrigue, and just falls flat on its face here.

Kelly Taylor has a different mom, and thankfully they upgraded their Jackie before making it to the real series. She also apparently lives in a hotel room or guest room. Or has the sensibilites of a tasteless 58 yr. old woman.

No Dylan McKay – obviously sensing the lack of a "street level" character. Brandon is too smooth, and they need some sort of conflict character. Maybe the only influx of 90’s moodiness.

Was there enough from this pilot to make me want to watch a season? No. To be honest, I feel the series doesn’t begin to make waves until season three, but even for the early seasons, the pilot feels weak. No Dylan, just hints of Kelly’s tortured soul, too much Brenda, and does anyone like Andrea Zuckerman? 4/4 vote that she doesn’t warrant an umbrella in a monsoon. SHE’S THAT BAD AARON SPELLING.

Since Blogger is shitting the bed we have some time to deliberate further so I’ll give a 15 words or less description on the characters so far.

David – annoying.
Scott – can’t wait til he shoots himself. (Did viewers get to vote for that?)
Donna – her best performance.
Steve – believably unlikeable.
Brandon – leers at anything with a vagina or vagina-like thing.
Brenda – sexual tension that would make leia and luke feel weird.
Andrea – see the latter of “things Brandon would leer at”
Kelly – winner in a batch of losers.