FIIIIIIGGHHHHHHTTTTTTT

Steve gets in a fight about his washed up mom. "I don't like when they call her washed up."

Andrea tries to give herself to Brandon as a going away present, he doesn't even pick up on it.

Brenda hates Andrea SO much. It's great. 

I don't have much more to say. We are 21 1/2 episodes in...

Prom Episode

Andrea goes fembot because she is insecure about wanting to go to the prom with Brandon. When is she going to take a hint - and by hint I mean that time about 6 episodes ago where Brandon straight up says "I'm glad we aren't physically attracted to each other AT ALL and can JUST BE friends forever. I'm talking NEVER NO CHANCE of hooking up EVER EVER." 

And by the way - remember that time you told Kelly how you think she is perfect? Well Kelly's trying to get on Brandon. How about that? 

Remember when you tried to knock boots with Steve?

You won't. 

You also can watch as Andrea's tiny black heart is shattered by Brandon and Kelly's hallway love.

Donna wears a floral print apparel at least 85% of the time. 

Yuckerman, Pieface, Fishface, and Hot Kelly

Kelly is choosing to stay at the "Completely 7th grade" slumber party over a USC frat party. As mentioned by others, there's some Sci-Fi feel to some of these decisions. 

Andrea pulls out her kaballah magic voodoo game, a ouija board. I like fake-ass wizard enchantress Andrea even less than I like bossy editor school dork Andrea.

"Let's contact my grandma"

People I wish they were trying to contact via ouija

- Len Bias

- Scott Scanlon

- Julius Caesar

"This is too powerful"  ANDREA I HATE YOU

You Invited Andrea?

Donna is wearing overall shorts.

Andrea got invited to the slumber party. 

David and Scott are creeping. 

back to normal - especially after the last episode where there was no Dylan, David, Andrea, or.. Scott Scanlon. 

Dear Aaron Spelling

I find it greatly inappropriate that you use the same episode to parallel Brandon getting into group sex (theoretically a good thing, especially if he's into that creepy Mr.Clean looking bald husband she's toting around) and a pretty serious gang rape issue that ends in a near attack. Please, keep this shit seperate, this is how creeps evolve. 

Also, Andrea is done, there's no need for her. Or all the pleated pants. Ugh.

Sincerely, 

Dirty talk in the 'Pit

Brandon has openly been solicited by a women masquerading as a masseuse for some real risky sex. Not like risque sex, but like - this girl could be diseased, or eat Brandon ALIVE in the sack. She gets so wild in the peach pit that no one in the room laughed, just kind of a "standing at the urinal" vibe - we all looked straight ahead and tried not to check what was going on around us. This is really promising.

Andrea and Brenda's static is awkward. Obviously Brenda doesn't want to be her friend, but Andrea is forcing the issue, either they are enemies or friends. She doesn't understand the optimal human condition - indifferent. Herein lies Andrea's biggest flaw, she can't be just good with these people, she either has to love or hate. Grow the fuck up.  

Episode Nine Synopsis

Brandon has a fourteen year-old stalker, who looks like a forty year-old Mexican woman. Brenda volunteers for a teen suicide helpline, but she has to work for that fucking troll, Andrea. Brenda helps out a rape victim (nobody seems to know where Steve Sanders is for some reason).

Brandon falls for a masseuse, who is shockingly kind of cute for this show. He goes back to her to place to meet her bald boyfriend and they both try to get him to join some weird sex cult. The rape victim turns out to be Wanda from Doogie Howser M.D., who is part of an even weirder cheerleader sex cult.

Everyone ends up happy (sort of, except for that girl who got raped probably)and we hear Donna speak again, but no one cares.

Back... On... Track

Ok, ok.. here we go. Brandon is wearing a stupid frenchmen hat. Srsly? 

David Silver is pranking people over the air. How controversial, and Scott Scanlon predates Urkel with a "Did I do something wrong?"... the countdown till he shoots himself begins.

Also Dylan shows his true alpha style when he gets into high school sports at rivalry week. Is there anything more amazing than a dude who is clearly anti-jock all year until the ultimate moment where it is the coolest part of the school, and THEN he gets behind it? He is on the cusp of high school chic and I solute him. 

FINALLY - Brenda comes out and says what Everyone is thinking. "But really - Andrea Zuckerman?" - she couldn't have been more disgusted. While she says this, her face says "Brandon, you talk to the worst people. she's so lame."

Nat gets more big dawg points from getting some weird massage from a prostitute in the back of the peach pit, unabashedly moaning loud enough for everyone in the restaurant to hear. Nat is climbing that dude heirarchy... 

Andrea confesses, and an Andrea confession

Let it be known to people who think we have been hard on Andrea - she has one of the few female traits that I find specifically attractive. 

The joker smile.

I don't know why, I can't explain it. I feel it. I see it, I get tranced, I dig it. Here's a good example.

here's an example: http://tv.popcrunch.com/wp-content/uploads/2007/11/rachael_ray.jpg 

notice how the lips meet up and get kinda thin at the edge of the mouth - Gabrielle Carteris has this going on, and while otherwie I'm not attracted to her, it's a good look. So don't sweat Gaby Cart fans, I'm with you, and while Andrea deserves all the flack, don't think we aren't trying to like her.

Also, Andrea tells Kelly she thinks she's really perfect. - NEWS AT 11 - Ugly dork tells popular pretty girl she thinks her life is awesome. DERRRRRRRRR

Letter to the editor of the West Beverly Times

Dear Aundreahh -

You are so annoying. You make me feel insecure about my incredible intelligence, and even though you undress me with your gross cow eyes, I am offended more than into it. When I see you sitting across the class in your gross loser clothes I just want to throw something at you. Maybe like a pomegranate, but like a rotten one. Oh yeah. 

When I see the public transit bus, sometimes I wish it just wouldn't stop. Just once, maybe, you'd be away from me at school and maybe I could get back on my babe train express. You and your gross shoulder pads and pant suits make for excellent hottie repellent. The other day I had to drive through Van Nuys. Remember that time I came to your house? I was slumming. I admit ok, in a moment of weakness I almost slipped down for a gross apple off the ground. Sue me. 

Hopefully next time you see me you will be crying or just too embarassed to look my way. But I won't be awkward. My head will be up high. I'll be laughing and high fiving all my cool friends, maybe even slamming down a cold soda. You know why? Because you have been killing my vibe and I can't wait to get back to the real thing I need to be looking out for - THE BRAN-DAWG.

Peace out lame-o 

BRANDAWG aka BIG MINNESOTA

Looking California, Feeling Minnesota

EPISODE 1 RECAP
Brandon and Andrea have the relationship dynamics and aesthetic of two 38 year olds with fat ugly children. Watching their interaction is like going to a flea market and seeing a couple argue over cavarecci’s and faux leather products while they hold a child on a leash. It’s terrible. I can’t believe this is a plot thread that was held onto for so long.

Everyone wears belts, big hideous ones that are made visually evident to the audience because no t-shirt remains untucked. This fashion, moreso than the music drivel, would be my main inspiration for the alt. culture / youth angst explosion of the early nineties. Kudos to 90210 for not really kowtowing to the grunge movement… they instead opted to stay mired in tucked in shirts.

The pilot tries, and FAILS, to have some sort of faculty cast, both interacting amongst each other as well as the main cast. This is a terrible failing that aches of eighties intrigue, and just falls flat on its face here.

Kelly Taylor has a different mom, and thankfully they upgraded their Jackie before making it to the real series. She also apparently lives in a hotel room or guest room. Or has the sensibilites of a tasteless 58 yr. old woman.

No Dylan McKay – obviously sensing the lack of a "street level" character. Brandon is too smooth, and they need some sort of conflict character. Maybe the only influx of 90’s moodiness.

Was there enough from this pilot to make me want to watch a season? No. To be honest, I feel the series doesn’t begin to make waves until season three, but even for the early seasons, the pilot feels weak. No Dylan, just hints of Kelly’s tortured soul, too much Brenda, and does anyone like Andrea Zuckerman? 4/4 vote that she doesn’t warrant an umbrella in a monsoon. SHE’S THAT BAD AARON SPELLING.

Since Blogger is shitting the bed we have some time to deliberate further so I’ll give a 15 words or less description on the characters so far.

David – annoying.
Scott – can’t wait til he shoots himself. (Did viewers get to vote for that?)
Donna – her best performance.
Steve – believably unlikeable.
Brandon – leers at anything with a vagina or vagina-like thing.
Brenda – sexual tension that would make leia and luke feel weird.
Andrea – see the latter of “things Brandon would leer at”
Kelly – winner in a batch of losers.

Hair

In 2008, I won't even use the word "mul let" because it's the worst joke since the 1990's. But the hair styles are truly feeling residual cutural dusting from the late 80's. I don't know that this was an accurate depiction of teenage life or just an exaggeration, but either way, it's an impressive display. 

We also see the start of the Andrea crushin' on Brandon theme that would linger / annoy the audience through the first three seasons (at least). We also see the politically correct climate creeping in, another 90's quotient. 

The scene where Kelly sits outside to eat with Brenda was recycled almost to a tee in Clueless, the 1994 flick that led to the inevitable late 90's teen movie revival. I never made the connection or importance of BH 90210 to those movies, but it makes sense when you put it together.